Michael Franzese is an American former New York mobster and caporegime of the Colombo crime family, and son of former underboss Sonny Franzese. He was heavily involved in the gasoline tax rackets in the 1980s. At the height of his operation, federal authorities claim Franzese generated close to a billion dollars a year in a gas-tax scheme he masterminded. Since then, he has publicly renounced organized crime, created a foundation for helping youth, and became a motivational speaker.

What was the main appeal of joining the mob for you?

I joined to help my day get out of prison. plain and simple. the money and power came for me later on. once i got in, i wanted both.

What is the process of becoming a “Made Man” like?

Very intense. very solemn, very serious. I took an oath with a picture of a saint burning in my hands. My thumb was cut with a knife and blood dropped on the floor. The oath is never to violate the brotherhood of La Cosa Nostra.

Is it generally harder for someone outside of the family to become a made man?

It is harder. you must be “proposed” by another made man. he vouches for you. my father did for me. the mob wants to know your background, where you came from. then you go through a pledge period where you must prove yourself.

Did you (or other made members) get an actual salary, or did you just have access to any money you needed?

ha. no salary you earn for yourself unless you were the boss. most guys were not good earners. trust me.

Where did you get the idea for the gas station scheme? And since it was getting so big, did you have any sort of an exit strategy in case the authorities got too close? Or would you just keep running the scam until you went down with the ship?

Gas tax scheme was one in a million. so much money. better then drugs and a lot less ugly. a guy in the biz came to me when some other mob guys tried to shake him down and move in on his business. i chased the guys away and the 2 of us devised this scheme to defraud the government out of the tax money on every gallon of gas. at it’s height, we sold 500 million gallons of gas a month and kept 20 – 30 cents a gallon of the tax money. do the math. lots of money.

What were the actual logistics of your gas tax scam?

The scheme was complicated, but we were way ahead of the authorities, they could not figure out what we were doing. if my partner didn’t turn snitch, they would never figured out the scam.

Could you go into detail about how you would find and proposition public officials to cooperate with you? Anything from police and inspectors all the way up to higher-ranking decision makers.

Like everything else, public officials, law enforcement… some of them like money and power. We knew how to use our influence and money to get to those who would play along. At one time, the mob controlled almost every major union in america. We had strength right into the White House back in the Kennedy days. believe it. it’s the truth.

Can you describe the most brutal/violent thing you ever witnessed while in the mob? The most brutal act you heard committed?

The demeo crew. chopped up bodies and buried the parts in cement drums. Witnessed death. it’s not pretty. Let’s leave it at that.

How many lives have you personally ended and how many have you been responsible for ending.

Tough question. know this. you are part of the life, you are part of the violence.

What were the most popular methods of intimidation and/or extortion?

Just following through with what you say you are going to do. if you say I’ll beat you with a bat if you don’t perform/pay, you know they will. It’s knowing you back up what you say that scares people.

What is the scariest situation you have been in?

Walked into a room one night and thought I was going to get killed. I was called in by my boss over money I generated in the gas business. That’s how it goes, you walk in and never walk out when you are in real trouble. I was in the right, proved it and her I am. But, brother, my heart was pounding, knees weak… Still don’t know why I went. I guess just a product of my life back then.

Who was the scariest person you ever encountered and what made them particularly frightening?

My dad was scary. saw him go off on people. scare because he was no bs. he would do exactly what he said. no fear in him.

You spent approximately three and a half years in prison. How were you treated by the other inmates that were aware of your past?

I spent almost 8 years in prison. 5 years, then 3 on a parole violation. i had a lot of publicity. i had a pedigree going in. i was treated well, with respect because i treated other inmates well. respect is a big thing in prison. FYI, both john Gotti and Carmine persico (my former boss) were both smacked around in prison. guys doing life without parole don’t care who you are if you disrespect them they have nothing to lose. didn’t hurt that Fortune Magazine named me as one of the 50 most powerful mob bosses in the US.

What was it like walking away from the mafia, was it accepted or were you threatened or hounded in any way?

I struggled mightily for years after walking away. my father disowned me. the family put a hit on me. the feds tried to make me a witness. lots of pressure. very tough. and very tough for me personally. even though i didn’t hurt anyone, i felt like i betrayed my oath and it really troubled me. only God and time were able to fix that.

Any fears about your safety today?

I can’t go back to brooklyn to live, or in NY in general. wouldn’t last. but i don’t live in fear. i am a person of strong faith now. God has had my back. remember, i am the only made man, a caporegime, that i know of who has walked away from the life, publicly, not entered a witness protection program and lived. it’s a God thing, my friend. not coincidence.

How much are you worth and have you really quit the mob or is this just deep cover?

I’m out. 15 years straight proves it. at one time, I was bringing $8-$10 million a week into my operation. had a jet, a helicopter – all the toys. today, I work for a living. for myself but I work.

Does the mafia still have a big presence in the US? Are they just better at hiding it now?

Yes. not nearly as big as when I was active in the 70’s – early 90’s. but still exists. don’t count it out. very resourceful.

Any stories of interaction with other organized crime “families”, such as Russian mob, Yakuza, Outlaw bike clubs, mexican prison gangs, etc?

A million. Spent 20 years in the life. Organized the Russian mob from Brighton beach in the gas business. Best partners I ever had. I taught them how to defraud the government out of hundreds of millions of dollars of tax money back then. They now are deep into medicare fraud, setting up fraudulent medical clinics all over the country. Would take hours to tell you all the stories.

What is your relationship like now with other former members?

Most everyone I ran with is either dead or in prison for the rest of their lives. I outlasted most all of the guys. blessed! Guys on the street will not really associate with me now. Would not look good for them. but I really didn’t have many enemies in the life. I made people earn money and that makes lots of friends.

How does the mob or other organized crime compare today with your day? Is it worse? Better? More or less brutal?

My day was pretty much towards the end of the golden age of the mob that began in the late 40’s. different today. i wouldn’t want to be a part of it. we had some integrity about us. respect and honor did mean something with the old timers. today??? the Russians have gotten pretty violent at times. but it’s all not what it was.

How do/would crime families view the more modern organized street gangs? A means to an end as partners or just petty criminals not to be trusted?

Petty criminals. no respect for human life. we chased them from our neighborhoods if they would even dare to enter.

Are there mob groupies like rock stars have?

And how. you would not believe the attraction to that life from men and women alike.

How accurate are most mob movies/television shows? If you could recommend one to watch for authenticity, which would it be?

Most authentic – Goodfellas and Donnie Brasco. They mention my name in Good fellas. The bar scene. I knew those guys very well. My era. saved Henry Hill’s life 2 x. I knew Paul Vario and Jimmy Burke well, also. And Left Guns Ruggerio was a good friend. Those two are the most accuarate depiction of that part of the life.

Is Goodfellas pretty close?

Very close. However, Henry hill never looked so good as he did in that movie. he was a low level guy, an associate. not nearly as close with Paul vario as the movie depicted. other then that, the Lufthansa robbery and all that followed was pretty accurate.

How accurately did The Sopranos portray the inner workings of the mob?

The best thing about the Sopranos was how he interacted with his family. mob guys also had family issues. the business stuff was not real realistic. made them look incompetent. some guys were, but others were pretty darn smart.

If a mob boss was ever visiting a psychiatrist he would be in the trunk of a car by the end of the week, along with the psychiatrist. But the family interaction was fairly legit.

Was Tommy DeSimone really that psychotic or was Pesci being over the top?

Pesci was a bit over the top, but i loved it. tommy was crazy, but pesci made him bigger then life.

It seems that a lot of families have been destroyed by all of the bloodshed and corruption that mafia groups like the Colombo family have perpetrated over the years, yet mobsters are generally romanticized in film and on TV. Do you agree that this is how these groups are generally portrayed? Do you think that this is harmful? What is your take on this with your new outlook on life?

The Godfather did more to raise the profile of the mob then any other movie. yes it’s harmful. the life should not be glamorized. why? it’s an evil life. not saying the men are evil. i was one of them that happened to be blessed. the life is evil because people die, families get destroyed because of a lifestyle i lived it. i know.

How do you feel about your past? Does it haunt your? Are you proud? Any regrets?

I am not proud of my past. my wife will tell you that i do have rough nights sleeping at times. regrets? i would have preferred not to have gone through it, but i just move on and try to use my experiences to benefit others.

How did faith play into your life while you were in the mafia?

I left the life because i fell in love with a christian girl we are now married 28 years. God used her to get to me. saved my life, preserved my freedom. very blessed. i love the Lord for what he has done for me.

If you had it all to do over again, would you make the same choices? Was the lifestyle worth all the trouble you went through?

Life on the street and in the mob is a dead end. prison or death is the way it will end today. i would not go into that life, knowing what i know now. i try my best to drum this into the head of our young people, gangbangers. Not worth it for me or for anyone in the life. Trust me.

Where’s Hoffa at?

They will NEVER find Hoffa’s body. trust me on that one.

How good is your mom’s cooking? She make good spaghetti?

My mom and grandmother were the best. grandma’s meatballs cannot be duplicated and mom could whip up a delicious meal in minutes. miss them both! but my wife is a great cook. blessed!

You come in in the morning. Everybody’s hours are different, nobody’s punching a clock. In general, people with school-age kids usually come in earlier than single folks. I arrive usually around 8:30, and head for breakfast. Food at Google is amazing. I’m sorry, let me correct myself. Food at Google Tel-Aviv is amazing. Food at Google in the Bay Area kind of sucks, if you ask me (lots of kale. Googlers love to complain about kale. Googlers love to complain. We’ve developed a special internal web service called memegen, almost entirely dedicated to complaining about things like kale). Food in Google Paris and Google Kirkland is pretty awesome too, and if you live in the US, then you’ll probably like the food at other offices too.

So, breakfast at Google Tel-Aviv is especially awesome, and I make a point of never missing it. I polish it off with a coffee from an espresso machine, and head to my office. As for my office, very few people at Google believe in open spaces. Unfortunately, these few happen to be the very top management, so open space it is. Again, we at Tel-Aviv are pretty lucky in that the layout of the high raise building we reside in simply does not allow for very large open spaces, on the other hand, whoever designed this office space went for looks over functionality, so the noise and lighting situation is pretty abysmal (did I mention Googlers love to complain?) – but the looks were impressive (that is, before most of the features built to impress, built at huge costs, were removed in order to squeeze in a few more desks or a couple more cafeteria tables – as it happens, I’m glad all of this fluff is gone, and overcrowding is actually a good kind of problem – better than having too much vacant space, if you ask me).

I then work for a while, meaning, I mostly write code, or review code my team mates wrote, or troubleshoot production issues. As for the last part, we do that quite a lot. We are also usually doing an oncall rotation, where we make sure our code is not causing any troubles to our users, and fixing any glitches. Long running, mature services have Site Reliability Engineers looking after things on the daily basis, but still, plenty of things to take care of in order to make sure everything’s working smoothly. There are lots and lots of tools written by googlers, for googlers, including monitoring systems, IDEs, version control system etc. The learning curve is pretty steep, but the tools are quite powerful.

Quite often my gettin’ in the zone is then interrupted – oops, I’ve got an interview to perform, won’t want to be late for that. We interview once per week on the average, which is not a lot, there are offices where people interview more, but, yes, we love to complain – Googlers complain about interview load almost as much as they do about kale (or more, depending on the locale – kale appears to be American peculiarity, whereas interview load is universal). Interview lasts 45 minutes, but then I spend quite some time writing an interview feedback, so that a hiring committee can have all the necessary information to make their hire/no hire decision, so another half an hour is gone by.

It’s now 2 hours since the breakfast, time to hit the gym – gotta work off all these calories! Some folks believe that massage helps against sourness after a hard workout, for them we have on-site massage therapists.

It is time for lunch. Here in Tel-Aviv we have 3 cafeterias to choose from. In the Bay Area and in offices such as NYC office there are many more venues. Regardless, the choice of food is impressive. After lunch – desert, coffee and ice cream at the dairy cafeteria. Today we had eclair topped with raspberries and blueberries, and a snickers ice cream.

Off to do some work again. Coding, doing code reviews, maybe some meetings. We work a lot with teams in other offices, so some of the meetings are over the GVC – Google Video Conferencing system.

And that’s about it. I’m heading home relatively early, to get me some time with the kids before their bed time, and knowing that I have another GVC with folks on the West Coast of the US at my 10PM – their noon (yes, 10 hours time difference is not easy to cope with). I do most of my work on my laptop, so I can work from anywhere – office, home, train during the commute – so nobody cares that I take this GVC from home.

– Dmitry Rubinstei

What did you do before you joined the mail order service?

I just graduated from college.

Why get into it?

I was young and didn’t have clear intentions, just curiosity

What was the appeal to the US?

Russians have a romanticized vision of US – that is free, cool, and a land of opportunity.

What were your perceptions of the US before you came? Has your experience been anything like what you were expected since your divorce?

Perceptions before I came were shaped by Hollywood – so white picket fence and two story house with two kids and a dog. Or Manhattan. And all kinds of freedom for all. Turned out to be the opposite of that.

Since my divorce – yes, I live the American dream now. But I had to make it by myself.

How do you perceive men that “order” their brides? Is there an outstanding difference to those that look for their wives themselves?

It depends on a particular man. If he is looking for something submissive and is going to abuse her – very negatively. But if he just wants to have a family and is out of luck in his own country – why not?

Why don’t women who are interested in this sort of thing ever go to the US dating sites (OKC, POF, Match, etc) and look for their ideal husbands and contact them through those instead of the mail order bride sites since most people tend to think they are scams?

I don’t know. Maybe because your average US male is not interested in a long-distance relationship?

Did you try dating Russian men? What was that like?

Yes. I was very young, so I just remember being constantly pressured to have sex.

How old were you when you married your American husband, how old was he?

21, 45

What he did for a living?

Businessman

Do you know how much he paid for you?

I know he spent $10K to fly over and have a wedding. Not sure how much he paid to the agency. May have been a free online service?

Was he doing it for sex?

He was doing it for many reasons and I’m sure sex was one of them.

How was the sex?

Sex was OK

Are pre-nups common for these marriages?

Pre-nups are common, especially when men are wealthy.

Did you bang the first night you met him?

Maybe.

How was your marriage at first?

Initially it was a honeymoon-like relationship. He treated me well and we had a brief dating period. I did notice him mistreating service staff (very rude) once and thought about leaving right then, but decided that I should be an adult and not bail on someone so easy.

Did you ever develop genuine affection for him?

I did develop genuine affection – in his good/ sane times he was very fascinating and charming. He also travelled the world and had great taste. It all was like a great adventure. I didn’t feel forced to be intimate.

Did you ever feel like you were using him just to come live in America? Do you think he ever felt used?

I didn’t feel like it – I was going to create a family, we had a kid. I supported him through crushing poverty and disability and only left him after he was OK again. He probably feels he was used – he tends to blame other people for his problems.

Did you have a plan B in case the marriage didn’t work out? If yes, what was it? and would you ever go back to Russia if you got the American citizenship?

I was 21, so I didn’t even have a plan A. And yes, I would go back to Russia – I had a good life there. Aside from being embarrassed, of course.

Is becoming a mail order bride in Russia an embarrassing thing?

No.

So whats there to be embarrassed about?

That I couldn’t make a success of my new family and my new country

What would you say is the percentage of mail order brides who take the money and disappear?

I’ve met one. She got $100k after being married for 2 weeks to a guy worth $20M. Most others do not get much if anything – they are unfamiliar with laws, do not speak the language, and do not have any support system.

OK, so you say that you have some friends who are Russian mail order brides with happy stories. What made them stand out, were they looking for rich older men who will just pay for their existences, or did they find husbands who created a normal (American) life, with 2 incomes, children, a normal family life, etc.

Their husbands were decent people who treated them like equal human beings.

What’s the best success story you’ve heard of in regards to their life in America?

My childhood friend married a real estate developer who worships her, had 3 adorable kids. I know a few more who married millionaires and heirs but those didn’t turn out that well. If both people genuinely desire family it tends to work out. If one of them looks or sex slave house maid and another one for money, then there will be problems.

You have a lot of friends who have left their husbands after a short period of time? I feel that when you marry a man who twenty or thirty years your senior is difficult to sympathize with them.

I don’t know. I always preferred older men. Also, I am not looking for sympathy, so none is needed. I have a few friends who left their husbands after several years – but they usually endured emotional and physical abuse.

Can an average looking American with average income get a Russian bride? Or are most mail order brides after money?

yes. no.

Do Russian brides only choose white men or do they sometimes choose black, latino, or asians?

They prefer white men I think but I’ve seen mixed couples

Have you since remarried? And what’s your current occupation?

Thanks. Yes, I remarried. I am an attorney now.

Do you regret it?

I thought about it a lot and decided that I do not. When I married him I was a stupid little girl and after this experience I grew into a strong adult.

How do you think American men stack up against Russian men?

American men are not aggressive enough and Russian men are too aggressive. So if there is a beautiful woman walking down the street, Russian man would be all over her and would not take no for an answer. American man would probably just silently hope to run into her again.

What big differences have you noticed between Russian and American women, if any?

American women are more demanding.

When I was in law school, I went on a trip with three of my female classmates. They were discussing their dating life once and I was stunned with their requirements – a guy must be tall with dark hair, well-dressed, Harvard-educated, and the list went on and on. Conversely, Russian women set the bar too low – a man who is an ogre in more ways than one can score an outstanding woman.

Why is Russia full of lonely women? I understand that alcoholism is rampant over there, but is it really that bad?

Alcoholism is very bad, life expectancy for men is terrible. women used to be economically disadvantaged – to get ahead in life you need a man. so women were treated like cattle – any blemish (old (over 20) age, former marriage, etc) and your value as a mate deteriorates.

Are the drivers in Russia really as bad as the YouTube videos show?

Worse.

The US and Russia get in a war, let’s call it world war 3. Which country do you side with??

US. I know because I cheer for US Olympic team since 3 years ago. Was cheering for Russians before then.

1. Shot in the arm when I was young when I got caught in the middle of a drive by shooting.

You know in the movies where a gun goes off and there’s a sudden look of shock on the victim’s face before he looks at the wound? That’s very accurate. I did not feel any pain or anything. I heard the gunshot and felt a tight pressure in my arm. I looked and saw the wound and how much blood I was losing, and the next thing I know I’m in the hospital.”

2. I got shot through the thigh with a .45, it burned like a motherfucker. The bullet went through the bone completely and the tendons pulled everything out of place, my leg was about 4 inches shorter than the other. Trying to move it was absolute agony, I was praying to pass out but never did

3. I was shot with Ak-47 to the leg. Felt like a baseball bat hit me; but with no pain. This was followed by a buzzing feeling for 5-10 seconds then the severe achy pain set in. Once I got back, I was diagnosed with a spiral fracture. Less painful than I thought it would be, but it was still up there!

4. About 4 years ago I was struck by 4 rounds from machine gun fire, one actually skipped off my body armor right into my left bicep. Honestly did not feel pain when I got hit, just this weird wave of feeling hot and wet on my left side. The pain definitely came after once a tourniquet was applied.

5. I was shot in left foot when I was seventeen. At first I thought it was a bee sting because it sounded like bees flying by. 2 seconds later I realized something was wrong. The bee noises were bullets flying by. It felt like a hot fire poker along the path of the bullet. We were camping and like an hour and a half to a hospital. The burning lasted the entire time until morphine got in. Was in a walking boot for months due to tendon and nerve damage. No bones were damaged but my foot is still numb on top due to nerve damage and it always hurts. I always feel it and if anything hits the entry or exit points or the scar from surgery to remove bullet fragments it send weird tingles up my leg. Definitely changed my life.

6. I was shot 4 times and got shrapnel from a 5th shot in my neck working security at a nightclub. 3 of the bullets were caught in my vest that other staff constantly razzed me about wearing under my t-shirt. The 4th entered my chest between the sternum and shoulder, exited my back above the shoulder blade and lodged in the back panel of the vest and the shrapnel cuts were similar to paper cuts on my neck, they just bled a lot. The gun was a .380 and honestly I felt the ones hit my vest because they were similar to punches and didn’t notice the one actual wound until I realized I couldn’t lift my arm all the way up. It was a numb, sometimes throbbing burning pain. I was treated at the hospital, given painkillers and had to rehab the arm which is back to 100% again. I later found out one of the bullets actually went through someone standing in front of me. Afaik that person is alive and well. All 3 shots into the vest could have been fatal shots to the lungs/heart.

Anyone out there in policing/security/ems etc. just remember a $200-300 vest can save your life.

7. Got shot in the calf with a .22 LR while landscaping about a decade ago. It just felt like a push-pinch like if someone pushed a wasp stinger into my skin and since I was using a weed whacker at the time, I thought it had picked something up and thrown it against my leg. It went numb, and when I looked at the wound it was bleeding way too much to be from random debris. It really only hurt after I started fucking with it to stop the bleeding. If you get shot, don’t look at the wound if at all possible.

The shooter was a German foreign exchange student with surprisingly bad muzzle awareness, trigger safety, et cetera, but since the damage was minor we all laughed it off. Honestly it didn’t hurt that bad, hopefully being shot by a smaller caliber has helped me build my immunity up towards larger bullets.

8. Surprisingly painless compared to what you might expect, I’m not one of those ‘I didn’t even realize I was shot’ people, though I can definitely understand where they’re coming from. The very first thing I felt can only be described as a sudden impact of no sensation, I felt numbness wash over the area, if I had not realized I was about to be shot shortly before I was I could see how I could have easily have been too distracted to notice this immediate response. That feeling then gave way to a horrible burning sensation. It’s a very ‘hot’ pain, it feels the way a very flushed face or a blister feels, but intense and painful and after a little time passes the area around it has this very unexpected achy pain that feels more like what you would expect from being hit with a bat than being shot. And yet I wouldn’t know how I would even rank it in terms of how painful it actually was, the feeling of being shot was seamlessly paired with the adrenaline and wooziness of having REALIZED I was shot and the knowledge that I really couldn’t afford to get shot again. The three intermingled and alternately masked and intensified each other. For a few moments I’d totally forget I had been shot, only for my attention to come back to myself in a lot of pain. I’ve never had to describe it before, my words seem so inadequate, its a very bizarre series of sensations that I imagine is almost never experienced by people in an otherwise clear state of mind. I really cannot understate the significance of the psychological impact it had on me in the moment, which totally distorted my processing of physical sensation.

9. It’s a bit of burning sensation mainly. The quick pierce into your body hurts like hell. Best way I can describe it is that it feels like being continuously poked as if someone is holding multiple sharp pricks to you and pushing in but not stabbing.

Painful as shit, but it’s not an ungodly amount of pain to where you can’t even cope with it if it’s in an area of non importance in your body such as arm or shoulder. Can’t speak of experience from being shot anywhere else.

To be honest ricochets hurt a shit load worse than a direct impact because it can hit you in multiple places instead of just one entrance and/or exit wound would in a direct impact.

10. Smaller caliber shot through the arm. Just a flesh wound, it did bounce off the bone though. It felt like electricity. The only thing that I can relate it to would be hitting a baseball (or anything) wrong with a bat or stick. That’s 80% of the feeling. The initial pain was exactly like that. After pains however were something unique that I can’t relate to anything. It wasn’t until I noticed all the blood that I realized I’d been shot. I was angry for a few seconds then I laughed about it. Then I was more worried about wrapping the wound and coming up with a good lie. 7/10 on the pain scale I’ve had worse but it was not pleasant.

11. I got shot in the foot about 2 years ago with a .45. Went in one side and out the other, pulverized some of the bone too. There was no pain at all. Only knew I was shot because of all the blood. At the hospital about a half hour later it started to hurt a little. Doctor was surprised that I only rated the pain as a 4 out of 10. It hurt a fair bit in the days and weeks after, but never intolerably.

12. I got shrapnel to the shin. It in such a way it looked like a clean fillet of skin down to the bone. It hurt pretty fucking bad, the initial feel was like take a lead pipe to the shin.

A buddy of mine from the same unit but operating out of another FOB took a 7.62MM straight through his upper left arm. From what he told me with the adrenaline and heat it felt a little worse than a bad wasp sting. After the dust off back the medics working on his arm noticed he need his dental check up and continued to patch him up while he got a good teeth cleaning.

I was 16 when I dropped out of public school to finish up online. That is when my prolonged bouts of social isolation started. I had friends, but these friends were people I abused drugs with (to cope with our life circumstances), as they weren’t socially adapted like most people our age.

As time went on I ended up cutting off all contact with them and haven’t contacted them since age 18. I haven’t had a social outing in 5 years. It’s liberating but embarrassing at the same time to be saying that.

I moved out a few days after I turned 18 into an apartment paid for by my parents. I’ve been here in this 2 bed apartment for 5 years. I can go months without leaving my apartment.

I’m so pathetically apathetic/majorly depressed/self-hating/unmotivated that I have allowed and manipulated/encouraged my mother to come over and pre-make all my food for me (salads, pre-cooked meat, etc) for a few days at a time.

She comes over every 3-4 days to clean my entire apartment (dishes, trash, etc) and drop off my food. She’s been doing this the past 5 years so I don’t have to leave my apartment, even if it’s something trivial like bringing in a case of water; she does it ALL.

She’s running out of energy and she’s getting reoccurring back injuries and shoulder pain from all the lifting she does. I can’t honestly tell you I feel sorry for her or guilty for her pain. I simply have removed all empathy from my being as a way to look out for myself and my “selfish” needs in order to minimize suffering and cope with my dissipating youth.

I literally do nothing to help her but retreat to my room where my computer is and wait patiently for her to leave. I can’t bare to see her. Although I am minutely thankful for her “helping” me with the necessities, I genuinely deep down have an innate hatred for her. She is arguably at the epicenter of all my suffering in life.

I am Hikikomori/NEET because I absolutely hate the way my face looks and I feel as if I’m not tall enough or robust enough body-wise. I have no motivation to better myself because the foundation of my life (my body/looks) is fundamentally flawed and subhuman.

I hate her because I inherited her objectively unappealing features via genetic recombination.

I can say — with confidence, that I just want to continue to be left alone. I can’t stand to face reality or the outside world and all the difficulties that would inevitably await me.

I do think about suicide a lot but I wouldn’t do it because I have a strong survival instinct and I would only be open to suicide via a certain pharmaceutical that is virtually unattainable.

It’s kind of liberating — to give up all hope in life. I feel so old. The past 5 years have flown past me in the blink of an eye. It’s all such a blur. The entire 5 years was spent watching youtube videos, playing video games and sleeping. The entire time, literally.

Everyday is the same, there is no difference as the days go by. What I do today Is the same thing I did 5 years ago when all of this started to get serious.

It’s hard to find people online who live such a life like me. There are days I want to cry but I can’t get anything out and it leads to anger.