The Importance of a Family Meal Together

One of the things that I have come to appreciate the most was the family meal  that we had when I was growing up as a child. During my early childhood we would hold formal “sit down” meals in the Dining Room. Us children each had our own roles / chores in regards to this. On Sunday we would have the largest and most elaborate meals. Mealtime was the opportunity when we could all talk about our day, our hopes and dreams, and things that interested us.

At the time, I didn’t realize how important it was.

Then, during the 1970’s everything changed. Both of my parents had to work. (You can thank the American Federal Reserve for the decline in the value of the dollar that necessitated the breakup of our families.) A formal family meal was replaced with “help yourself” fix your own meals, out of a pot on the stove, or “make yourself a snack” out of the refrigerator. We would then scrounge something up, and eat it alone watching television.

Communication was via notes on the refrigerator.

Now that I am much older, I can see clearly the value of a family meal as well as a community meal. As such, I now dictorially enforce an observance of this tradition within my own home. This post is about what I think about this matter. Of course, like anything else, it is all opinion driven.

My own, obviously…

Formal Family Meal

“Family meals. There’s nothing magical about gathering the family for regular meals; it’s what you do with them that matters. Use mealtimes (it doesn’t have to be dinner) as a chance for your family to slow down, get together face-to-face, talk without distractions, cement your values, create a feeling of support, and build loving bonds.”

 - The 3 Families Every Young Man Needs to Grow Up Well

One of the most important events in my family is the hosting of “formal sit-down meals”. Every day we have a “sit down” meal. I like to refer to this is a “Family Meal”. We try to do this at dinner time. The most important meal is the Sunday meal, which may or may not be outside in a restaurant.

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That Sunday meal is the most elaborate.

Living in Seattle we are surrounded by Liberals. And the public schools of course. It was (and is) a drag. The kids would come home and learn something and we would talk about it at dinner. 

(Yes- we always had dinner together around the table.) Lots of learning goes on there, and LOTS and LOTS of opportunities to teach.

“So - you gave up the pennies you found hidden to others that didn’t find as many. And what did that teach you?”

Having twins in different classes it was interesting. In one the teacher hid pennies around the room and the kids went looking. Of course some found a whole bunch, and others not so many. So then the teacher asked the kids what they should do to make it fair. Second grade or so.

My one daughter said “So we voted, and we all decided that those that had a lot would give some to those that didn’t have many, and we made it all fair!!”

The other daughter said “Yeah - that’s what we did too. But I didn’t think it was fair. Some boys were just goofing off and didn’t find any. I argued why should they get any? But of course I got out-voted.”

My other daughter looked at her and said “Hey - you’re RIGHT!” We had a long talk about just because things are equal doesn’t make it fair.

As lousy as it is in Seattle, all three of our kids are staunch Conservatives now, and prepared them for when they are on their own. The one goes a more conservative state for college. Lots of friends from small western towns have complained how liberal the college is. My daughter laughs. “I think it’s great - I bet 30% of the kids here are conservative! Back in High School it was me, my sister and about 4 other kids out of 700!”

-Free Republic

The truth is that we did not plan things out this way. For the longest time we ate out all the time. In order to save some money, we started to cook our own meals. In a short period of time, we discovered that we actually preferred it. Over time, we started to mix up restaurant meals with formal home meals. The restaurant meals are now, not an afterthought. They are planned, and treated special.

We pretty much never had  sit-down family meals, and if we did it was from a restaurant, we ate in  silence, and then we’d just wander off from the table one by one to  watch TV or go on the computer or something. It’s not that we hate each  other or anything, it’s just pretty much the way it’s always been.

PolkaDotsOnThursday 

Call me old-fashioned if you will, but I consider a family meal together as an essential component of our family unity. We try to do it every day, but that is not always possible.

Breakfast in the 1960s. Orange juice, coffee, cigarettes, toast, bacon and eggs. (Image Source.)

As a father, it is my role to pace and lead the family. It becomes an easy thing to do when you have rituals, routines, and roles. As such, I always lead the Family Meal.

Mealtime Rules

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In our house, we have rules. These rules are there for a reason. My rules might not work for everyone. As such, they are the rules that fit us. Rules are there to make sure that we all can concentrate on the food and fellowship together as a family. The outside media, and other distractions have no place at our dining table. Other people and other families might have their own rules. Here are my rules.

For us, in my family, we follow these rules…

• We eat dinner in our Dining Room. The table is cleared and setup for dinner. The Family Meal is ritualized and treated special.
• All cell phones are power-off, and are nowhere near the dining table. I know that many readers might not understand this rule, but it is very important. In my house all electronics are powered off. That includes the TV, games, monitors, all cellphones, or tablets if they are present.

The reason for this is that there is a purpose to a family meal that is defeated by electronic interruption. The family meal is to spend time together communicating to each other.

The fact is that you just can’t do that when you’re all silently staring at the TV or (more commonly) while everyone has their eyes glued to their phone. For us, it is a rule that is carved in stone. In fact it is the most important rule.

We started this rule when the children were really young. They grew up with this rule; without having any distractions at the table. However, their friends and others haven’t, and as a result, often some explanations are necessary.

(Sometimes we actually collect the phones, powered off, and put them in a basket in the kitchen. We explain that this is the way things are done in Top Secret military operations. That both amuses and silences the critics.)

• All telephones (if not cell phone) are not answered. If they ring, we hang up and leave the receiver off the hook. (We no longer have a wired phone, but the rule stays intact never the less.)

Dinner time is OUR time. We form a “protective bubble” or “zone” that we exist in and NO ONE is permitted to interrupt it. Over the years, I have bent this rule from time to time, and it always gets misused. Today, every piece of electronics is powered off. No one cares about our family time. It’s up to me to enforce it. Otherwise, we are just sheets in the wind, and subject to the wants and desires of others outside of our household.

No one is permitted to interrupt our family meal.

• Soft background music is preferred, usually jazz or soft Chinese love songs (but that is just us). We typically select a “station” on YouKou and let it play in the background (you’ve got to download the player first). Alternatively, we also use KouGuo for our streaming music needs. Both downloaded players will hang up during loading. You will need to disable your anti-virus programs if you use American anti-viral programs. You cannot use non-American government approved media sources, don’t you know…
• The table is adorned with a table cloth. (Typically it is a linen table cloth, with an under-cloth to protect the table wood surface.) Typically it is a white or off-white color. We NEVER use a disposable plastic table cloth. Perish the thought! Additionally, we use special coverings for unique holidays. Such as a woven throw for Christmas, or for Halloween. It’s REALLY nice. If you make something special and you utilize ritual, it does eventually become very special.
• Everyone follows ritual. This means that Western manners are followed. No one sits down until the father and mother sit down. Everyone says “please pass the…”, and when someone needs to get up and leave the table they ask “May I be excused?” and “Excuse me…”. This is not “guard the food during prison chow call”, but rather how to behave in polite company. I expect our children to know how to behave when they take on leadership roles. If you want your children to be everyday mill-workers, you can permit them to be crude and uncouth. It’s up to you. This is a formal Family Meal, after all.

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• “Formal” place settings are established for all participants. Each setting has the proper utensils. If we are eating Chinese food, then chop sticks (kuai zi) are provided on a cloth napkin (we purchased cloth napkins and tablecloths just for this reason). If we are eating American, then we lay out formal knife, fork and spoon. Everyone gets a glass for their beverage. Out of tradition, each place setting has a glass of water. People seldom drink from it, but it is provided never the less. On special occasions, we even lay out extra tableware (such as individual salad forks and soup spoons) so that the children can get accustomed for a higher class of life, and so that they are comfortable with it. A Formal Family Meal is an important learning and teaching opportunity.
• Wine glasses, or VSOP (I am equally prone to drink “jin Jiu” (Chinese herbal alcohol) as I am to drink VSOP. It is healthier, don’t you know.) in a glass tumbler (with ice) for me (the head of the family). Hot tea for the wife, as it is her preference. Children get ice filled glasses and the beverage of their choice. (Nothing is more noteworthy than a frosty ice-cold coke.)

Dinner is the ONLY time when the children can drink soda or soft-drinks at home. Other than that, they must drink pre-approved beverages. This typically consists of milk or various teas. Dinnertime is a special treat for them. It is when they can drink soda, and have ice cream. We adults prefer dry red wine. Typically we drink mid-range red wines from China such as “Great Wall”, or from Australia such as “Yellow Tail”.

Family Meals is not only a time for togetherness, but it is also a time to relax and speak openly, freely with others. When my children start to work they will also earn the privilege to drink alcoholic beverages, just like I was granted that privilege when I turned 14 and began to labor.

I like to drink wine because it tastes great, makes me feel good, and it is good for me (at my age). Heck, when you the reader reach your sunset years, don’t allow anyone to tell you what you can do with your own body. It’s none of their friggin’ business.

• Family Only, or occasional guests. If we have the housemaid make the dinner, she NEVER participates in it. She is forbidden from interrupting us during the meal, and does not interrupt for any reason. She is useful to answer any phone calls during the meal and tell them to call back later. (She is not part of our family, so she never participates in our family meals.) A family meal is for the family, and not shared with the domestic help no matter how friendly we treat them.
• Prayer. All western meals have a Catholic blessing of grace. We all hold hands, and someone recites grace. (We take turns.) My in-laws just can’t get their arms around this ritual. My wife has explained to them that it is a American way of honoring Buddha. That seems to be enough to suit their inquiries. LOL!

Bless us,
O Lord,
and these your gifts,
which we are about to receive
from your bounty.
Through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

• End of Meal Walk. If the Aiyi (housemaid) makes the dinner, and the weather permits, we have a short walk outside. The family meal can extend to an after-dinner “cool down” period. We take the dog, and everyone gathers for an evening stroll along the ocean while she cleans up. We would go along the boardwalk and talk while the lights of Macao twinkle in the distance.
• Dogs and cats are NOT fed from the table. (If you start doing so, they get all excited and make a real distraction during the meal. Cats will jump up on to the table, and dogs will try to eat off your plate. Dogs will pace around frantically, around and around the table, whimper and cry. It’s really terribly irritating.) For a while we put the dog outside. Now he knows that he must wait on the porch, or sleep in his bed quietly.

Everyone knows this rule, except guests, and we never give them the opportunity to spoil the critters. The rule is this: animals DO NOT eat with human family at dinner time. (They can eat at other times, depending on the individual. But that is a special human-dog or human-cat thing, and has no bearing on this particular discussion.) The family meal is for the human members of the family.

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• Fridays we eat fish or seafood.
• We have family discussions. Always they are of a light subject matter. Nothing emotional or serious is addressed while we all are eating. Here, everyone takes turns sharing something positive and negative that has happened to them during the day. I enforce this, and take the subject “off line” if it is important. It is impossible to digest food when someone is emotional. For the most part we talk about school, work and friends. We also talk about movies, hope and dreams, plans for the future and things we like or hate. The family meal is a time for sharing.
• No fast-food. Meals that resemble fast-food are discouraged unless it is part of the meal “theme”. (Themes that are exceptions include the Baseball theme, or a birthday theme.) Typically, we spend time in making each meal a “theme”. This is true even if the “theme” is “just an everyday after work and school meal”. Everything must have a theme.
• Warm food is preferred. We NEVER eat cold food as the main family meal. Everything must be hot or warm. We can have a salad, or a dessert that is cold. Drinks can be cold as required, but the meal itself is hot or warm.
• Friends are fine. Children’s best friends are sometimes invited, as are their parents. (Dinner is a family event, but in China it is also a social event.) However, Man’s best friend has to stay outside on the porch.
• Cigarettes. If we are eating Western style, an after dinner coffee and cigarettes (typically 555 brand) are served. The ash tray is clean. At the bottom of the glass ash tray is a folded disposable kitchen-paper-towel, moistened with water. Typically, this is when guests arrive. I myself prefer to smoke a pipe, and I only do it when I am relaxing after dinner.
• Formal ritual in presentation. During the family meal, presentation of the coffee and cigarettes is very formalized. Coffee is presented in cups with saucers and its own (tiny) spoon. (I wish that I could say that we make it fresh, but this is China, we often settle for instant. Shutter…) Sugar is brown cane sugar in individual packets, and we use individual packets of creamer. These reside inside a crystal glass bowl, and we simply move it to the table when the moment approaches.
• Chinese guests. If we are eating Chinese food, and we have guests, we offer them white wine (Bai jiu). Not the cheap stuff, either. We don’t want to lose “face”.
• Themes. All meals have a theme.
• Bread. If the meal is Western, it is served with bread. We buy a loaf or two of “French bread” from the local supermarket (D, RenRen Le, Carrefour, Taste or Park n’ Shop). There they make “real” crusty bread, not the super soft sweet bread that is so common in Chinese bakeries. Typically we purchase it before hand when it is made fresh and then we freeze it. We take it out and heat it up in the oven or microwave as necessary.
• Salted Butter. We eat bread with REAL SALTED butter. This is one of the little pleasures that I missed over the years. In the rush to make everything “healthy” in the United States, everyone switched to unsalted butter and margarine. Bullshit. You lose the taste, and you still die early. It’s all nonsense. In my house, we cut the bread, heat it up in the oven, and place it in a bowl covered under a cloth. It is served with the formal family meal.

"I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package."

- Ted Nugent 

The selection (and presentation) of butter is very important. The butter is in a large glass butter container (twice the size of the one we had as I grew up in the 1960’s) and is left out for a few hours to soften up. Butter is ALWAYS “salted” butter (which we buy on the internet), in a pinch we will use “lightly salted”. We absolutely never use “unsalted” butter.

We also never use margarine. I tell the reader this; try it. Get a loaf of French bread, cut it up, and heat it up. Then, butter it using real fully salted butter. Taste it. Go ahead, take a nice bite of that crunchy goodness. (Pat your lips with a tablecloth or napkin.) Then try a loaf of white sandwich bread with unsalted margarine. There is no comparison.

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Now, the truth is that things have changed somewhat. My wife wants to control her salt intake. She read an article on the Internet that advises against too much salt. So she gets her own unsalted butter. The rest of us eat the real thing.

• Time. The most important aspect of the dinner is TIME. People, please pay attention to what you are doing. If you want to have a special meal for the people that you love (your family), then give them the best and do not skimp on anything. The pennies you save is not worth it. Family meal dinners should be about the best you can do for your family. It’s also about the little things.
• We always have dessert. Usually it is some chocolates, cake, ice cream, pie, or pastry. We NEVER use cheap chocolates. These are for young children. Instead, we provide expensive high quality chocolate in small amounts. It becomes a most special treat. Let the riff-raff eat the cheap stuff. When it is family meal time, my family gets the best we can afford. The rest of the world can go to hell. BTW, my children absolutely LOVE dinner time with the family. It is the time when they are a part; an equal part of the family, and they get the best and are treated special.
• Leftovers are seldom used for dinner meals. They are reserved for lunches, and special breakfast concoctions. There are exceptions. For instance, a formal turkey dinner can be recycled into a “diner style meal”. A leftover chili dinner can be made into breakfast omelets, chilidogs, or chili-pockets.
• Toothpicks. Everyone uses toothpicks at the end of the family meal, and uses a formal (polite) hand-over-mouth action to clean their teeth.
• Alternatives. If we are too busy for a formal sit-down meal for dinner, we will go outside to a local “family” restaurant. In China, the “family restaurant” is a local family-owned restaurant that has really decent prices and great local prices. We never skimp on family meal time.

Meals like this take a minimum of one hour, with a two-hour meal being normal. Long meals with friends and family is (of course) much longer.

Themes for the Meals

I thought everyone who  celebrated Christmas had a whole three-day celebration starting on  December 23rd. You see, we have Ham Day (23rd), Turkey Day (24th),  Christmas Breakfast (25th). We also get together New Year’s Day to eat  pork chops and sauerkraut. That idea isn’t so weird, but the part that  gets me some looks of disgust is when I mention how we pour maple syrup  on the sauerkraut.

eclantantfille 

The idea of having themes for a major family meal sounds very strange, but I believe it is a necessity. Food is a glorious and wondrous thing, and (at least in the United States) has evolved into a second-class status with the prevalence of fast-food restaurants. Indeed, during much of the latter half of the 1970’s, family meals were missing, and replaced with notes on the refrigerator. That DOES NOT happen in my household. Not if I can help it.

Formal meals always have a theme. Here are some of the themes that we have had in the past;

• Thanksgiving meal (traditional turkey, dressing, and mashed potatoes). Try getting a turkey in China. It’s darn near impossible. We need to order ours online.

The first time my wife saw it, she darn near had a heart attack. She thought that we were tying to feed the entire block. “How in the heck are we supposed to eat that?” Then she went on to complain about the huge size of the wings, the impossibly huge size of the drumsticks, and what to do with the neck and gizzards. Ugh! When I explained to her that the entire drumstick would go to a person who liked that part of the bird (dark meat), she was incredulous. “Who in their right mind would eat such an enormous piece of meat?”

• Birthday celebration. (A favorite food, followed by cake.)
• Chinese New Year Eve dumpling feast. (Along with after dinner fireworks.) Most Chinese families make homemade dumplings. We don’t bother. Ours are frozen. However, in China the tradition is to make dumplings the “old fashioned way”, which is from scratch. That will happen, I am sure, when we are older. However, for now, we use frozen pre-made dumplings.
• Beowulf (Dim the lights, candles, and eat with greasy fingers.) This can be anything from chicken to mutton or pork. No silverware. No chopsticks. (We play some Richie Blackmore medieval and Renaissance music in the background.)

Kids get super chilled Root beer or extra-strong Ginger beer. Ginger beer is the key. It originated in the 1800’s in England and, at that time, it actually did contain a small percentage of alcohol. Around 100 years later, the ginger ale we’ve come to know and love was developed and came to be known as Canada Dry. The difference? Ginger beer is actually brewed and fermented while ginger ale is essentially a carbonated beverage made from water and ginger.

Ginger beer often has much more of a “gingery” flavor and because it’s fermented, is less carbonated. When someone drinks it, the look on their face is precious! Listen to me; Kids LOVE the experience! (They actually announce that they are eating “Beowulf” at home, and then they show up with five or six friends! LOL!)

• Hunan spicy Chinese. We typically eat out for this. We have numerous traditional restaurants where we go. We get our own room typically and have a feast. In China, most restaurants have private rooms to eat in. We pick or reserve one. Then we enjoy the experience. To repeat; when in a resturant, family meals are held in a private room with it’s own bathroom. The television is kept off, even when the waitress turns it on.
• Halloween. The misses bought some white porcelain skull bowls one year. They look like a skull, and we ate spaghetti out of them. It looked like we were eating brains. (I don’t know where the bowls are today. I think we only used them once.) There’s also bloody fingers in a bun (hot dogs) that are a big hit with the kids.
• Christmas Eve baked ham, fresh baked bread and snack food spread (cheese, cold cuts and vegetables) with homemade Egg Nog. (Impossible to find in China.) This is a carry-over from my mother. We would have cold cuts and fresh cut bead that we would snack on with fresh baked ham. I continue this history.

Other families might be different. I have Spanish friends that describe a different meal and religious routine that I would love to participate in. I have Mexican friends who describe a similar type meal that is outstanding and my Lithuanian friends describe some food traditions that make my mouth water. Ugh! Trust me, that there is nothing wrong with family meal rituals and traditions.

In Zambia they eat this amazing fish with a kind of rice / potato that they eat with their fingers. My God, it is excellent! It helps make the family stronger.

• Wenzhou steamed shellfish and snails. All Wenzhou dishes provide us an opportunity to explain our Chinese history and the nature of Wenzhou business practices.

For our children to “make something with their lives” they must think as business people. They need to believe that is normal and achievable.

For us, all the kids must be able to say, in wenzhou hua (the local Wenzhou language), “I would like to collaborate with you in a business venture or two. Here is my business card”. And yes, they do have their very own business cards made up. They got to design them themselves.

• Polish Open-Faced Sandwich (Zapiekanka). We even play some polka music, though I am not a big fan. All Polish dishes serve as an opportunity for me to explain our Polish-American heritage.

Hey, I am Polish-American. Though I don’t hide behind it and ask for handouts like my liberal and progressive friends. I do try to keep some of the heritage alive.

Polish open-faced sandwiches (also known as French-bread pizzas) are popular street food in the bigger cities of Poland, not to mention my old family stomping ground in Pittsburgh (Polish Hill). They’re known as zapiekanki (plural) or zapiekanka (zah-peeyeh-KAHN-kah), which is singular. Most zapiekanki sandwiches start with French bread, sautéed mushrooms, cheese, and ketchup, but there are Greek-style with olives and feta cheese, Italian style and many more.

What makes the open-faced sandwich authentic is a thick drizzle of Polish ketchup across the top, no matter what cuisine the zapiekanka is trying to emulate. That’s the secret.

• Mexican theme with tacos, burritos, and quesadillas. We can get the real deal in Shekou (a Spanish expat region of Shenzhen), but the hassle to get there makes this a low priority theme.

"At least once a week, I'll put out all the parts of the dinner separately and have my husband and son make their own version of whatever it is we're having.

With taco night, for example, I'll put out corn tortillas, refried beans, Spanish rice, shredded lettuce, chopped tomatoes, cheese, salsa, meat, and cheese. My husband and son love it because they can make their own taco combos and I love it because I don't have to be the one to do all the work.

Build-a-dinner works great with pasta, burritos, pizza and even dessert with company such as a make-your-own sundae bar."

--Jill Houk, Chicago

• 1930’s style “diner meals”. (Hot Turkey Sandwich with homemade fries with gravy, etc.) We typically buy pre-made beef or pork gravy off the Internet. The misses has yet been able to master American style gravy. Her idea is to add soy sauce or vinegar to “make it taste better”. Ugh! (But she is still learning… Sigh.)
• Fondue. Fondue is idea for a special family meal occasion. For those of you who don’t have a clue, Fondue is a Swiss condiment of melted cheese served in a communal pot. The pot is usually placed in the center of the table and heated with a burner or open flame. Usually, for cheese fondue, there is a mixture of melted cheese, wine and crème simmering away in the pot.

It is eaten by dipping bread into the cheese using long-stemmed forks. It was popularized in North America in the 1960s. It seemed like every family had one. However, it became disused during the 1970’s. When you dust one off and use it, it becomes a very special occasion.

Fondue Family Meal (Image Source.)

• Fresh baked bread, cheese and homemade soup (Typically, but not always, a heavy cream soup.) The wife goes along with this, but she’s afraid the children will get fat, but I insist. Typically, we use Campbell’s soup (of the crème kind) and add milk instead of water. We thicken it with cheese and crackers. Of course, I insist in “real” fresh bread and real salted butter.
• Pork Chops (American style) with Country & Western Music playing and applesauce. Forget the political progressive narrative. This is a typical 1970’s meal. We duplicate it to a “T’. If you don’t like it you can go to hell.
• Crock-pot sweet sausage and peppers, with real rolls. The crockpot will cook for two to five hours, and the result is amazing. If you don’t know how to make this amazing dish, don’t worry. You get peppers, sweet Italian sausage, onions, tomatoes, and spaghetti sauce. You add everything together in a crockpot and let it cook. It is that simple. Yum!
• Hotdogs, fries, pork & beans with a baseball game playing in the background (via the Internet). Wine or VSOP is replaced with beer, super chilled and served in a cold glass. (The kids get a genuine glass bottle of Coke-cola super chilled (about 20 minutes in the freezer), and they drink from a straw.)

Sometimes it is the simple attention to details that make all the difference. Let your children have the frosty ice-cold coke in a glass bottle experience while smunching on a freshly cooked hotdog. Yum!

• Homemade pot of chili. We eat it as a thick soup or with rice. In it we use Chinese spices, which has the exact flavor as the imported expensive American spices. Typically we eat it with saltines or cheddar cheese. It makes for a great semi-formal family meal.

Chili meals are always on the informal side. To make it more formal, we will provide homemade bread and soft salted butter. (I have heard of it being served with Doritos or Frito chips, but they are too expensive in China to use.) Next time we are in Louisiana we will get a bowl using Doritos and add some New Iberia hot sauce too. That’s um good, you betcha! yah.

• Deli sandwich with kosher pickles (This also tends to be a little expensive.)

All in all, I have read and I do believe that parents who have a strong marriage, better relationships with their kids, and set more guidelines for them, were more likely to have family dinners. As a result, they are more likely to have well-adjusted children.

What you can do

All this being said, I look back in my life.

I well remember the 1970’s. That was a time of many changes. I wore bell bottoms, had my hair below my ears and bangs that fell over my eyes. My parents hated it, but I was very fashionable. Oh, baby!

Fresh milk was delivered to our porch daily. It sat inside a small galvanized metal box cooler specifically designed for that purpose. We didn’t lock our house doors. We left the car keys in the ignition. We would say “Hi” to our neighbors and play with their kids. We would make “forts” out of the cardboard boxes that home appliances were shipped in.

I carried a pocket knife with me, and used it to cut small branches and to chew on twigs from a birch tree (it tastes like root beer). I was very shy with girls, and not so great at sports. However, I was a fantastic swimmer, an average golfer, and an active tennis player. I was a member of the cub scouts, and rode a gold Schwinn “banana seat” bike with “high bars” and a “drag strip” (non-tread) rear tire.

We ate “soft serve” ice cream from the local Dairy Queen stand, or had banana malt milk shakes. The news that played on the radio concerned our exploration of space and the Vietnam War. We watched Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom”, and “The FBI” (Starring Efrem Zimbalist Jr) after the Walt Disney hour on Sundays. If I wasn’t watching television, I was building plastic scale models, or experimenting on my Gilbert chemistry (and electrical) sets.

I wore a “mood ring” that I found in an old “mason jar” filled with old pennies, marbles, and campaign pins (I picked it up at a yard sale for twenty five cents.). I also wore a catholic ring of Saint Christopher that I picked up at a church sale on “Polish Hill” in Pittsburgh. I wore “Beatles style” hair with bangs that were always covering my forehead and falling in front of my eyes, and often would go into the local “woods” to dig for “old bottles” (in long disused trash dumps, often 100 years old) that I would then clean and collect.

Then, when I would arrive home, I would sit down and eat a family meal.

At that time, I really didn’t appreciate the importance of it. I did not understand the importance of a family meal. However, later… Yes, when both of my parents were working, I did miss the meals. I didn’t know it at the time, but I needed a formal sit-down family meal.

My life had changed, and it wasn’t for the better. Instead of eating with my mother and talking with my father. Instead, I sat alone in the TV room with a bowl of cheerios in my hand, heavily laden with sugar. I watched all kinds of television shows, but around dinner time, I watched The Flintstones. It was mindlessly entertaining for me.

Looking back, I truly see what a waste of time it was.

So, I ask the reader, does this sound like your family? Instead of sitting together during a family meal, is everyone off in their little worlds on the smartphone? Are they checking their likes on Facebook? Are they reading the news on Drudge or Zero Hedge? Are they looking at the goings on with the rich and famous on CNN and the Huffington Post? When you do go out to eat together, is there any discipline? Do you all sit down, look at each other and just talk?

Hey… Listen up! Family meal dinners is the time for everyone to talk, communicate and share with each other. What’s wrong with that? Most of the complaints that I get from people who are having marriage difficulties stem from either financial problems, or communication problems.

You are a family. Take the time to TALK. Take the time to look at each other face to face. Take the time to relax with your family. That is what a family meal is all about.

Indeed, I say this two times, one of the complaints that I hear from many young married millennials is that they don’t communicate enough. They don’t talk. When they do, it seems light, trivial and meaningless. The complaint is that people no longer seem connected. Why is this?

I am not a doctor, nor am I an expert on these matters.

However, I would suggest that some effort be taken to bring everyone closer together. This effort need not be the dining table. This need not be at a family meal. This can be something else. However, whatever it is, it must be free of distraction. No television, or media on. No cell phones. No crying babies that need your constant attention. You need to set aside time (on a regular basis, if possible) for close and real communication.

So, I have to ask? What do you do to maintain your family?

Dinner as “Quality Time”

I spend “quality time” at dinner. We maintain it with rituals and rules. The rules and rituals are for one purpose only; building our relationships through communication. I consider it important. I know that others don’t, but I do. We use the family meal as the vehicle for this.

Here are some ideas what you and your loved ones can do to build, sustain or create relationships together…

• Involve food. Everyone loves to eat. I only met one person who did not. He was in a mental hospital in Boston, MA. (Stoughton, Massachusetts actually.) He was a truly miserable person. Who in their right mind doesn’t like food? Well, he was an example of one. That is perhaps why he is in a mental hospital. When in doubt, cook “breakfast food”. Everyone loves breakfast food. A family meal can most certainly be made out of breakfast food. Ever hear of pancakes, eggs, bacon, baked beans, toast? Make it special. Put out all kinds of things to put on the toast. Provide cut up tomatoes, peanut butter, chopped lettuce. Make it special. make it noteworthy. The family meal can be anything at all, just include food.
• Talk without distraction. Do not permit things to interrupt your train of thought, or to drown out the words of people who are trying to talk with you. Music should be of low volume and not jarring. Music sets the pace of eating. Let it be relaxed, slow, casual and friendly.
• Set up a routine. It cannot be done once or twice and then forgotten. Make it a regular event. If not daily, at least weekly.
• Give it your best. This period of time during the family meal need not be long, but it MUST be the best time. Give your attention 100%. Do not skimp on anything. Make it special. It’s for you and the ones you love. You can always make more money, but you can never make more time.
• Have fun. The family meal is the time when your children get to see you laugh. My memories of my mother always include the times when she was singing alone in the kitchen on Christmas day. This should be a special time. This is the time when everyone can feel free to talk without being told to “hush”, or “you can’t say that”.

"Come In. This is Liberty Hall; you can spit on the mat and call the cat a bastard!"

 -Commander John Grimes

I sincerely hope that people start to appreciate what they have, instead of looking outwards for more or better. The things that matter to us are right there. We just need to reach out and treasure them. I would urge everyone to start now, today and do it in small ways.

Some Paternal Notes

It wasn’t until I was much older that I fully began to appreciate the total value of a family dinner. Over time I saw examples of it being done right, and other examples that were not to my liking. I have witnessed families getting together at 7:00 am before school and work eating breakfast at McDonald’s together. The dad is there in a business suit, and the kids are there with their school bags and uniforms. It’s pretty cute.

There are some rules that apply to the parents, and especially to the “Man” of the house; the Father. I have followed these rules for the last five years or so, and they work for me. I suggest you, the reader, give them some consideration.

• The father always smiles. I do. I fake it sometimes, but I always smile.
• No yelling and no arguments. That is enforced. I simply say “we will take that off line after dinner. Then you can explain to me what is going on.”
• No one can break off from dinner early. It is formal. They have to ask to be “excused”, and more often than not, the answer is “no”.
• Nothing is placed on the table. Books, pens, games, electronic devices, a race car.
• Dinner is a happy time with good, warm food, no worries, no problems, and no troubles.

I maintain these rules, even when there are indeed, some serious things to talk about.

Some Fun Links

Those that study this issue concluded that while family meal dinners alone won’t prevent your kids from turning into cigarette-smoking urban turbaned transgender youth, the ritual can serve as a valuable part of family and the bonds of a family. It is the set of habits, routines, and practices that can contribute to a well-rounded person. While I have always felt this way, others with better communication skills than myself have written articles on this subject in great length.

I would suggest that the reader read their articles and come to your own conclusions.

• 9 Scientifically Proven Reasons to Eat Dinner as a Family
• Why Family Meals Are So Important
• How to Get the Most Out of Family Dinners
• Family Dinners Are Important
• The most important thing you can do with your kids? Eat dinner with them.
• 8 Reasons to Make Time for Family Dinner

Conclusions

There are other articles on the importance of a family dinner. There is nothing new about this, what is different here is the importance of a family meal to stabilize a cultural island within a wholly different cultural environment. Our children are American & Chinese. If we do not maintain the importance of their American heritage, they will lose it and become totally absorbed within the Chinese hive (To reference the Star Trek Borg Collective narrative.). Our family meals is our way and means for cultural stability.

We need to do this. Not every family does.

Do you, the reader, see the neighborhood children doing activities that you don’t want your children to get involved in? Are they doing things that you do not like? Are their habits, dress, actions, and behaviors disturbing to you? Well, communicate to them, get involved.

Don’t let the community dictate behavior. You do it.

Have family rituals. Do not expect the neighborhood community to raise your children better than you can. They can’t, no matter what the media tries to ram down our collective throats.

Hillary Clinton tells us (in her book “It takes a Village”) that parents are not really that important. It is the collective society that is important. I can see how well this has worked out in Baltimore, Detroit and similar enclaves such as Ferguson.

I choose a different route. I chose the radical direction; I chose the traditional method of raising children.

I note that while Hillary Clinton made some money on this ghost written tome, she did not follow the advice she so professes. Her child ate formal family meal dinners at home just like my children do. Do as she does, not as she professes.

“Kids are the same now as they were a hundred years ago – petulant, brave, arrogant, earnest, frightened, and cocksure. It’s the parents who have changed. It’s the parents who have put their own happiness above the best interests of their kids. It’s the parents who actually believe “the village” will raise their kids, when the village is profoundly incapable of doing anything of the sort.”

-Mike Rowe

Now for some VERY harsh words. If you, the reader wishes to raise your child progressively – go for it. I am not going to stop you. Your children will serve the food that my children will eat.

It is true, and you know it.

Read your history. Now, you might be offended by the truth, but you’ve got to face the facts. The leaders of today became that way through the teachings of their parents. So give your old man some credit, and take a special moment to thank your mother. You turned out alright, didn’t you? Maybe they did something right. Copy them.

Now it’s your turn.

Take Aways

• A family meal is a very important part of a family.
• Children who are raised with formal (family meal) dinner meals perform better than their classmates do.
• Dinnertime should always be treated as a special event.
• The best dinners always follow a set of fixed rules.
• Rituals are important, and your children will remember the rituals more than the events.
• The most important gift you can give your children is your time.
• Everything here is my opinion.

Free Republic Posting

This article was posted on Free Republic for comments on 20JUL18. You can read the comments HERE.

RFH

How about a Request For Help? I tire of busybodies and statists who poke fun at the ideas and theories of others. They offer no constructive dialog. Rather they just make fun, ridicule, and then scurry under a rock.

I use this forum as a way to disseminate some of the things that I learned though my life.

I don’t suppose that others might agree with me. However, I am sure that there are people who have ideas, experiences, and thoughts to share. I, for one, am willing to listen to them. Please let this be an opportunity for you to contribute to the community dialog. Don’t be silent. If you have something to say, then please share it. Thank you.

FAQ

Q: What are the benefits of family meals together?
A: Spending time together brings us closer. That is the most important part of a family meal. We are able to communicate and everyone knows how each other is doing, both the good and the bad. Additionally, it is a refuge of support and a feeling of belonging. One of the problems with today’s electronic society is that people have lost that feeling of membership. Instead, they post “likes” and snapshots of desserts instead of talking to people and bonding face to face.

Q: What is the importance of a family meal together?
A: There are few things more important than a family. It is your support group, your strength, security and financial fallback plan when life becomes too difficult to endure. You children will learn that no matter how difficult the world is “outside”, home is a place of acceptance and a good hot meal.

Q: Meals are fine, but what is the importance of family DINNER together?
A: The dinner is the most important meal for social and family interaction. Breakfast is a good way to start the day and wake up. Lunch is a time for the mid-day recharge, but dinner is a time for relaxation and social interaction. Dinner is the end of the day “rewind and relax”. A family meal can be held at any time of the day and with any kind of food.

Q: What is the overall importance of families eating together?
A: People need to do things together, as it creates bonds. Everyone needs to eat. By combining food with togetherness, a family can build bonds and strengthen existing ones.

Q: Do other families in China eat meals together?
A: Yes they do. The Chinese culture is very supportive of communal meals and spending time together. It is the most common way to bond with people. The second most common way is to share a cigarette. The third most common method is to share a drink (beer or something stronger).

Posts Regarding Life and Contentment

Here are some other similar posts on this venue. If you enjoyed this post, you might like these posts as well. These posts tend to discuss growing up in America. Often, I like to compare my life in America with the society within communist China. As there are some really stark differences between the two.

More Posts about Life

I have broken apart some other posts. They can best be classified about ones actions as they contribute to happiness and life. They are a little different, in subtle ways.

Stories that Inspired Me

Here are reprints in full text of stories that inspired me, but that are nearly impossible to find in China. I place them here as sort of a personal library that I can use for inspiration. The reader is welcome to come and enjoy a read or two as well.

Articles & Links

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Notes

1. First draft 8MAR18.
2. Reviewed 11APR18.
3. SEO review 3MAY18
4. SEO review 4MAY18.
5. Added quote 9JUL18.
6. Updated 20JUL18.