Emotionals: Flatlines. Most days are just flatlines. You go out there, and you do what interests you, and sometimes the monotony of your existence is punctuated by events.

Sometimes you feel pleasant and happy, sometimes you feel angry, but your emotions are like calm ocean waves.

It comes, and then it goes, invariably around the clock, and they’re just as mild and watery as waves. There are no tsunamis in our world. We do not implode. We do not explode.

Our emotional range typically lacks the highest peaks and the lowest lows, but especially not the lows.

Relationships: We don’t love, and we don’t bond, and we don’t grieve. I treasure some people, but if they fell off a really tall cliff I would ask why and (if no justice needs serving) I move on. There are psychopaths who invest in people and have inner circles. There are those who do not. I’m one of those somewhere in the middle, with an inner circle I will not kill for. Regardless, we are fiercely loyal to our people. We go to great, incomprehensible lengths for them, because we are never concerned with the question, why me?

Why me, is for me, the singularly most damaging, self-pitying question people ask in a relationship. Why me? Why do I have to put up with this? Why do I have to suffer so? Why am I trapped into this? Well, we don’t have that. When we want to leave, we dust off our asses and get on our bikes and ride into the satanic sunset. If we stay, we are doing it of conscious choice and we don’t fucking whine about it.

Most importantly, we do not stalk, and we do not trap you into a relationship you don’t want to be. Your stalker ex? Not a psychopath. Your boss? Not a psychopath.

Masks:

A mask is something we use to fit in.

It is the minutiae of faking empathy, emotion, and NT thought processes in order to fit in. It is not some glamorous Sailormoon transformation process that immediately levels us up from human to dark vigilante. It includes, but isn’t just limited to:

• Responding with ‘I’m fine’ instead of ‘Fuck off’
• Caring about your epileptic kid stories
• Being afraid with everyone else when an escaped lion appears, and screaming like a little girl.
• Griping about bills.
• Nervousness about a big day, speech etc.
• Caring deeply about being fired
• Complaining about the prices of things.
• Showing low-self esteem sometimes ala ‘I’m so fat! I hate myself!’
• Pretending to remember and keep grudges from that time Albert from Accounts was slightly rude to you, because that’s expected behavior and you don’t want anyone to know that you’ve all but forgotten his existence.

Extrapolate to everyday interactions that fits this trend. In other words, it’s mostly to cover up the fact that we biologically cannot give a shit, because everyone else expects us to give many shits and fit in with their model of NT behavior.

You dial these up and down depending on what your culture/society is like, but the end goal is the same — to fit in.

In tldr terms, we biologically cannot give a shit about most things that people give many shits about, so we have to hide it.

Diseases and assorted NOs:

No, we do not get PTSD. No, we do not get depressed. No, no insecurity, nor arrogance. Not sadism usually, but there are exceptions. We do not play with people for fun. We do not kill. We do not kill ourselves either. We do not post our brain scans online. We do not self-diagnose. We do not care what you think about us. We are all here for a reason, and that reason is not to nurture your disbelief.

I hope that is comprehensive insight into our day.

– Carlis Kwok

Nation Hal Turner 05 January 2023

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A critical conduit supplying fuel to the US Northeast was halted on Wednesday, when the Colonial Pipeline temporarily shut operations after a spill, the latest disruption to energy flows following an outage to the Keystone oil pipeline last month.

Some product was released at Colonial’s Witt delivery station near Danville, Virginia, prompting the shutdown of its Line 3, spokeswoman Meredith Stone said in an email. The company is planning a restart at around 12 PM Eastern time on Saturday, according to a notice shared with users of the pipeline.

Colonial’s Line 3 transports refined products such as distillates and gasoline to the New York Harbor market from Houston, via Greensboro, North Carolina, and is part of a broader system that supplies fuels to the eastern US. The system’s key gasoline conduit was shut for nearly a week in 2021 after a cyberattack.

Colonial’s vast product system which includes Lines 1, 2, 3 and 4 are a vital source of fuels for the eastern US. Lines 1 and 2 extend from the Houston area and meet in Charlotte, North Carolina, to form Line 3 into New York Harbor.

I’m a 20 year old half Mexican-american dude who lives in the state of Sonora, Mexico, very close to Arizona. More precisely in Hermosillo, its biggest and capital city of the state, whose streets have been controlled by “Los Salazar” — a criminal band allied and supported by the Sinaloa’s Cartel — which’s sustation gets mainly financed by manufacturing meth and weed and crossing it to the US. In order for them to grow up and stay immune from the federal government, their motto “silver or lead” has lead for high commanders and politicians to take up the money and to set things up for the cartels to do them moves.

That being said, I wanted you guys to get a bit of background on this because this is the reality we live everyday.

I remember these story that it happened not too long ago — maybe 2017— when I accidentally got involved with the wrong guy and almost ended up dead. Back to when I started to fuck with H, money wasn’t the thing but finding a dealer since almost one one sell it and the ones who did were addicts from lowkey hoods , so I used to hang up with a guy who as an addict could get it for me if he could get high with me. I never used it daily but more like once or twice a month, and this guy helped me out with it.

Story:

I remember exactly how it happened. The day was perfect and I had the money to get half a gram, so I texted the guy on Facebook, hoping it to get a quick answer so we could meet at the point again; however, it didn’t happen so I decided to take an uber to his house and hopefully he will be there. Knocking off the door with no answer thinking to go back home, he finally opens the door and even tho he looked screwed up, I got happy I will get high.

Idk why he was so annoying at the time but i was just there for the dope so I didn’t care, besides, he was a fuckin’ junkey and u can’t expect much from them. His dealer was 30min away from his house and so I accompanied him as we usually used to. I never expected this to happen but once arrived, he told to stay at the corner while he gets the fix and gets back, but when it does, I looked at him running towards me making signs with his face and hands of like “get the fuck out!!!”, I had no idea of what was happening but before I knew it, a truck parked next to us while a bunch of dudes forced us to get inside.

They put a bag in my head so I could see nothing. In the inside, I was being taken by two or three guys so I couldn’t move, the guys didn’t talk to much to me but they were seriously threating my friend by saying “ya te cargo la verga ahora si, joto” which in English would mean “you fucked up already, bitch”.

About ten minutes after, the truck stops inside a garage and got taken inside a house where they took off the bag and then we both got placed at the corner of a room that smelled very nasty.

By that time, I already knew I’ve fucked up even though I had no idea of its reason. I was around cartel members whose coldness at killing people is know by everyone.

He and I were told to layed down and so we did. I looked at my friend and he didn’t even look at me, his eyes looked lost, and his mouth was shut. My mind was empty at that moment. Then, I heard some man asking questions related to him. Then I knew why we were here, he owed money to the boss. The men gets inside the room and my friend says: “Hey, you know I’m gonna pay you, man! I’m sorry, I can get you the money now! Please don’t!” Boss: “It’s too late. I don’t want your money now. U fucked up.” Then he asks: “Who’s these other guy???” Someone replies: “We don’t know. He was just with him.” Then he asked me: “Why are u with this piece of shit?? U wanna get killed too???” I replied: “No, sir. I’m a 20 year old student, I live with my parents. He used to get me heroine, since I didn’t know other way. I don’t have anything to do with him.” He said: “U sure? We’ll see” Then he asks a guy: “hey, moustro, come get me my machete (big knife). Let’s show this piece of shit what happens when u fuck with us.” My friend very scared said “Please don’t! I’m sorry. I swear if god I will pay you! I already have your money man! Come on! It doesn’t need to be this way. You know me man. Please, have some mercy. Please, please! Just one chance!” The boss kept quiet as someone handled a machete. When I saw it I knew what it was coming, I almost freaked out, but I tried to stay quiet and in silence.

For god’s sake, I don’t even want to think about it. I just closed my eyes and felt so scared and horrible. I don’t want to describe it. All I can say is that, once the man got this machete on his hand, he said “ahora si agarrenmelo a este pendejo” which would mean “Now yes, hold on to this fucker.” then he got grabbed by two men so we could not move, i tried to crawl a bit away as I could hear him screaming. Then I closed my eyes, but i heard everything.

The man used his machete to behead his head off. It was so horrible. I can’t describe how it sounded like but the screams were just so so terrorific. His last words were “no, don’t please. Please don’t, don’t, no, no please.” then I didn’t heard any word from him anymore. Guys were talking shit but i wasn’t putting attention.

Once dead, for a second I opened my eyes and saw so much blood so I closed them again. I didn’t know what was gonna happen next, and that’s all I remember. I passed out. Three hours later, I woke up in the middle of the night in a ditch. My face was bleeding, my whole body was was hurting. I got a trauma, but i lived to tell the story. I hope u guys never come through shit like this. It’s no joke.

– xluzix

1. She legit stole my wallet the first time we hooked up. It had $200 in it

Sex was so damn good I just made sure I hid my wallet and valuables for rounds 2-4

2. That she was crazy. One of the first things she said to me while making out at a party was “they all say I’m crazy, but I’m really not.”

3. She said she had thousands of kids that telepathically communicate with her all at once.

I only talked to her for a few more weeks and slowly faded myself out since I was too afraid to just ghost her. That’s the type of crazy I didn’t want to get on the wrong side of. I didn’t pry too much more into it due to how uncomfortable I got.

4. The last girl I dated told me she liked holding a knife to her ex’s neck while he slept because she fantasized about murder and wanted to see what it felt like.

5. She showed up to my apartment without directions or asking. She was a friend of a friend, and knew the complex itself from talking with her earlier. Never crossed my mind to ask how she figured out my building or apartment until later, and when you wake up to a cute girl knocking on your door at 2 AM, it doesn’t really cross your mind.

We saw each other for a few months, til I figured our what was cute at first was stalkers and became upsetting when I need to sleep. Lesson learned, now I use an alias and safe house when I meet people.

6. 20 year old stripper whose husband was in jail. Husband got out and fire bombed my car in her driveway.

7. She told me she was a manipulative, emotionally unavailable, and controlling person. I still went in. She wasn’t lying lol but I think I maneuvered it well.

8. First day, she fell in love. Day two, she slapped me in the face. Day three, she broke into my house. Day 4, I learned she could squirt across the room. Day 5, she told me she had chlamydia. Day 6, I smashed one last time and didn’t pull out. Day 7, she brought me the pill that treats chlamydia and sucked my soul out right after. Day 8 and beyond, I ignored the rest of her calls and left her on read. I’m surprised my house didn’t get burnt down as it still stands today.

9. Hooked up with a girl near DC who was very into SpongeBob, which is cool I am too, but she was like SUPER into SpongeBob. Throw pillows, posters, stuffed animals everywhere. When we hooked up she made me do the laugh so she’d get off

10. Family gang ties. She would use that as a threat to prevent me from breaking up, cheating, or making her upset in general.

11. I met a girl on a bus and on our first date she told me that her father is always present and she can see him sitting right next to me. I thought she was joking or used a metaphor of him always watching her but she pointed where he was sitting (I should mention that he is alive and well). I proceeded to have a 2 year long relationship with her with lots of weird things happening in it.

English wasnt her first language neither was mine but we communicated in english. Sometimes she would say “we” when talking about what she did on a day and refuse to elaborate. Any kind of argument would end up with her trying to gaslight me about unimportant details (like she would say something and I would quote it back to her and she would say: “no thats what you said.”

She married a 60 year old man when she was 25. Really mysterious person – to this day I cant say how crazy she really is.

12. I get to her place, and it is like 4 things away from a trash heap. Seriously, piles of trash, clothes, dishes, books, etc. EVERYWHERE! Her couch looked like it was rescued from a dump. I have no sense of smell (luckily) and was down baaaaad so I was like whatever.

Then I hear a small critter noise, look over and she’s got a massive cage FULL of mice/rats. Like a ceiling to floor length cage, the kind you’d keep several toucans in. I cannot tell you the level of uncomfortable it is making out on a filthy couch, next to a pile of trash while being able to hear mice. Sex was amazing though, but I just couldn’t deal. She was a PhD student or something and the mice were retired lab rats, even still… Clean your place.

13. That she was 100% bat shit insane.

Met online. She opened with saying “wow what a dirty old white man. Whats with you white men?” She, herself, was white.

I thought she was joking, but she wasn’t. She was dead ass serious about having a heated racial argument against her own race. I played along. Turns out, she does that as a “test” to see if people can “handle her”. Red flag, but she was one of the hottest people I’ve ever talked to. We continue on.

She is an artist/engineer. She tells me how big her house is and how she would LOVE to support me. She’d pay all my bills, etc. This seemed odd, as I just met her.

She insisted I come out to Detroit to see her. I was in Ohio. I have known her a day. Well, as my blood wasn’t in the right area of my body, I decided to go. I drove the few hours and showed up at what could only be described as a house used in movies to depict a trailer trash, dirty individual.

Her front yard was covered in an array of random objects. It looked like a bomb went off in the middle of a yard sale for stuff a goodwill wouldn’t accept. There was so much random stuff, I has to step on a chair and over a fence to get from her driveway to the front door. We continued on.

Her house was a mess. It was like a homeless person got a home and moved all their homeless essence into it. It wasn’t dirty, per say, just…so so so much clutter. We went to her room and i laid down. We proceeded to talk for a while, and we wound up in a moment of silence.

I brought up something I’d seen in a documentary recently and she got super serious, super fast. She looked at me and said “okay, and the point of that sentence was…?” I replied that I was just trying to make small talk. “Who fuckin cares about a documentary. Why do I give a shit?”.

I wasn’t sure how to respond , so I went with just explaining the concept of small talk. She interrupted me and said “you are boring as fuck. Why bother opening your mouth?”

I couldn’t understand what was happening. I never had an interaction like that before. She was now nitpicking everything I said and getting angrier by the minute. I tried so much to change the subject to something she’d like but I couldn’t manage.

I still decided to sleep over. The worst part was, no matter how I tried to initiate the sex that she was talking nonstop about having over text when we met, it never happened. We just..went to sleep. I spent the entire night staring at her ceiling instead of leaving because, well, tomorrow exists.

The last straw was when she got up, pretended I didn’t exist, walked to the bathroom and took the loudest, nastiest shit ive ever heard come out of a woman…with the door open. She didn’t wash her hands, or flush.

All that for a set of blue balls and hours and hours of wasted driving.

World Hal Turner 05 January 2023

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Reports are coming in saying the country of Belarus has reportedly announced a Draft for “all males ages 18 through 60.” Looks like a full mobilization for war.

1. It’s like trying to laugh at a joke that isn’t funny. Trying to smile for a photo you don’t want to be in. It’s like waking up in the morning and hating that you actually woke up. It feels like someone is just draining the energy out of you every time moment you are awake. It really isn’t that weird that people feel the urge to end their lives during a depression. It really makes you feel like you’re 80 years old, lost your beloved partner, are incapable of of doing what you want to do, and the only thing to find peace is to end your life. Depression is living day-by-day, not knowing what you’re going to do with yourself today. Not knowing if you want to be alive tomorrow.

2. Depression for me is a constant feeling of wanting to go home, but no matter where I am, I am never home. Even when I’m at my physical home.

It’s a constant sense of wanting to go somewhere else. I’d feel better if i was at this place. Then you go there and then it’s the same exact feeling, just in a different physical location.

I feel mentally homeless and I just want to go home.

3. You wake up in the morning and immediately wish you were still asleep. You’ll maybe try to grab a few more hours and avoid reality a little longer, but by that time your brain has kicked in, reminding you of everything you should be doing and need to do and what a failure you are for not doing them. But the concept of getting up and facing the day seems insurmountable, so you lie there, paralysed by your own self loathing and apathy.

You drag yourself out of bed after a few hours. Put on yesterday’s dirty clothes, avoid showering because it’s too much effort. You consume nothing but coffee all day because eating is too much effort, and besides, you hate yourself too much to deserve food.

You don’t go outside because it’s terrifying and foreign and you may need to interact with others, which involves mustering the tiny amount of energy you have to pretend you don’t feel this way, because the alternative is them seeing how broken you are inside and pitying you.

So you sit and stare blankly at the TV, your computer or your phone trying to kill time but not actually doing anything. Just existing, not processing anything, not thinking anything. Just killing the time until you finally get to go back to bed and lie in the dark unable to sleep because your brain is telling you how pathetic you are for being this way, than you are a failure, a burden, nobody would care if you were dead. But even suicide feels like too much effort. At 4am you’ll finally fall into a six hour sleep that is your only respite from it all, only to wake up and do it all again.

4. Living with depression is like running a marathon with a broken leg and then having everyone run past you and say “Yeah, yeah, broken leg boo-hoo, we’re all tired.” And then run the same fucking race everyday. The cycle.

You’re depressed!

You’re okay, it’ll take time, but you’re okay!

What the hell is taking so long, life blows, you’re depressed again!

You woke up and got dressed today, it’s looking up from here?

SIKE, you fucking idiot, did you truly believe your depression was done with you? You’re dumber than you lead yourself to believe!

Okay, we’re okay, we’re gonna make it. I just gotta stay strong.

Oop, you fucked up once today, I’m dragging your ass back into the dark.

OVER AND OVER AND OVER!

Is there really only one way out? I don’t know if I wanna die, I got a brother who may need me one day. I’m tired. So tired, man.

5. The worst thing about depression,is seeing everyone around you progress in their life and you are stuck in the same place.

Its like when you are playing videogame and you get stuck on some part of mission,while others are having fun,you are having the worst time in ur entire life

6. You know the feeling when you wake up, and you just want to sleep for another 5 minutes? But, you can’t because you are late for something? Imagine that feeling towards everything all the time. Always.

7. Imagine a super bad day. Maybe you lost your job. Or your significant other broke up with you. You are very sad. You may even be weepy. Life is void of colour, taste and smells. Things that once gave you pleasure do nothing. Your friends irritate you. Your favourite movies are kind of meh. Those chips you love to snack on taste bland.

And there is the exhaustion. You are tired all the time – physically and mentally. So exhausted that you don’t want to get out of bed. Or brush your teeth. Or shower/dress. Getting off the couch to make a sandwich is akin to climbing Mount Everest, so fuck that.

Its a deep, dark place. Everyone has experienced emotional upheaval at some point but non-depressed people have a ‘reason’ for it. Its temporary. Depression is living like this all the time. It also fucks with your sense of reason. Many people can’t cope with the pain. It feels like it will never end and you personally feel weak, and like a failure. People around you don’t get how tired you are. They say, take a walk or something else they deem helpful. It doesn’t help though because that walk never happens and the circular reasoning brings you right back to hating yourself.

Depression is a nasty beast but can be helped with the right meds/therapy. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

8. “Feeling nothing” is is the straight up answer, but let me elaborate. You have a bunch of hobbies or interests, that you just don’t feel like doing anymore, for no particular reason. “Oh, in my spare time I love to read a book/play my guitar/go for a walk”. None of that exists anymore. You remember that you (used to/are supposed to) like it, you just do not feel like it. So you stop doing it, and start doing… nothing.
Performing any mundane chore that you have to do, feels like carrying the burden of the one ring. Cleaning? Not gonna happen. Cooking? Who cares? “What is this, hunger? Meh.” Taking a shower? “Oh, jeez, I haven’t showered in 2 days, it’s nice and warm and… But then I’ll have to take of my clothes, and then my hair gets wet, and I’ll have to stand up and….” Getting up? “What is this world, and why am I part of this?”

9. Not wanting to do anything. Not wanting to be anything. Not wanting to be at all. I don’t necessarily want to die. I just want to have never existed.

10. You asked me how depression felt, and this is what I could come up with…

It feels like I’m walking upstream, through a current strong enough to pull me under four times over

There are others with me, but they are walking along the banks telling me to “just get out of the water”. But instead of extending a hand of help, they just move on and leave me behind.

Every once in a while, I find a rock that is strong enough for me to lean on. And I rest for a bit.

But the rocks always get tired of holding me up, and when they let go, I’m left drowning, thrown 50 feet back again.

And nothing is harder, than standing up in that current, when everything in you is telling you how much easier things would be if you just let yourself get dragged under.

11. It’s like I’m watching life on TV instead of living in it, and all I want to do is change the channel

12. We only wish depression was being “sad”.

But depression is much more than that.

It’s the excuses you have to make when you can’t make that meeting.

It’s the friends and family you’ve lost because you can’t explain why.

It’s the opportunities that land in everyone else’s lap, that they get to grasp with both hands, while yours slip out of your grasp.

It’s the exhaustion that binds your body to your bed.

It’s the hatred and resentment you feel towards yourself, towards the world for being the way it is.

It’s your proven truth that everything and everyone gets better, except for you.

It’s the demon that dragged you down and trapped you in the hellish prison that is your own mind.

It’s the ball and chain locked around your neck, choking the life out of you as you trudge through your marathon, while everyone else gets to charge on ahead, unimpeded.

It’s the wall that blocked you off from life.

It’s the leech that sucked out everything positive about your life and clouds your memories.

It’s not just being “sad”. And we can only wish it was.