Advice for lonely women who cannot find a partner to live out their life with

I do love a delicious baked lasagna. It’s not like I can get it often. Here in China, it’s truly a rare thing.

It’s great with a fine bottle of wine. Red wine. Dry red, would be lovely.

Though I do get to eat other kinds of food often enough instead. I think that food is something that needs to be savored. You know, most people, in most nations savor their food. unlike the United States (where I grew up) which was dash, grab, smunch, and return.

Meals should be shared. They should be savored, and they should be enjoyed.

Our health is determined not only by what we do, but what we eat and who we eat the foods with. A solitary life is unhealthy. It really is. I know, I have been solitary on and off for much of my life. I didn’t like it then, and I sure as heck don’t now.

Your weight, I strongly believe, correlates on HOW you eat, WHAT you eat, and WHO you eat with. If you want to trim down, then start going out more with friends and savoring the food.

Isolation is toxic.

Most MM readers are older, and are or have been married. Never the less, every now and then I get a email or a message from someone who is alone and very lonely. I have been there before, and so I just cannot sit by and let this pass.

This is me, ol’ MM, dishing out advice.

I’m going to be straight and honest, and abrupt. And I might upset some people. I apologize for that. I guess that this is my way to plow through a bunch of fears and bullshit, and tell you all things that are truthful. I hope that it connects and changes someone’s life for the better.

Background

This article was inspired by this letter…

I’m almost 32 and still a virgin. I can honestly say I don’t feel human. I hate to admit this but suicide seems more and more like a viable option as every day goes by.

The worst thing is when I try to reach out for help. I don’t know why I am a masochist and try to get advice from my mom…. I told her that I am desperate for a relationship and can’t find one. Her answer was that I should pray to God that I lose my feelings of wanting a relationship. Implying that I should give up and not try.

She even told me that one of her friends had a relative my age and they suggested setting us up. She told me that she said to them “I wasn’t interested”…. not that I would actually want to have someone set me up with a stranger but…. really??? Most moms are dying to help their daughters with this. Mine seems to get a KICK out of sabotaging me and not wanting me to just find someone.

And I was talking to my mom last night and brought up the idea of liposuction. Cue a huge fight between the two of us. I am not overweight but I do have a few odd body proportions that I think make me unappealing…. It’s like an affront against nature for me to try to improve my chances of finding someone. Literally the world turns on me the moment I think of maybe being alluring. Almost every other woman can have her moment, but when I get ideas of trying to be pretty? It’s like I murdered someone. I am now reeling after this conversation, wondering what types of rope would be best to hang myself with.

I don’t know how to navigate life and frankly, killing myself is less of a horrible idea every day. I know that it’s a “permanent solution to a temporary problem” but my situation feels like I am trapped and there is no other way out. People reading this, can you blame me for wanting this to end?

It is unbearable being someone like me, who wants a relationship but can never have it. I am not human. I’m not even sure I should be alive.

I’d almost think of losing my virginity to a prostitute but frankly that would just be me adding to a larger problem of abuse. I’d rather not do that. Frankly, there is no future for me. I am starting to plan out suicide methods at the same time most women are planning baby showers and weddings. I am toying with the idea of going out into the snow during winter and just falling asleep. There is something dignified about just falling “asleep” in the snow. Maybe nobody would find me and it would be a mystery as to what happened to me.

I’ve lost hope.

And, it hurts.

I know it hurts. It really hurts.

So I am going to talk as a man, who appreciates women.

[1] There is a man for every woman.

The very first thing that YOU must understand is that there is a Mr. Right out there, somewhere for you.

This is a TRUTH.

This is an undeniable truth.  Somewhere, out THERE, is a guy that is just like you, wanting to share his life.

It’s just that he is not available in your area, with the group of friends that you have, or anywhere near your school, industry or day to day activities.

Hell, I didn’t get to go out with girls / women (myself) until I started getting out of the male-dominated schools, industries, and societies that I frequented. I had to break out of the little close knit life that I had.

You might have to break out from your normal circle of friends to find him. You might have to go out further to find him. You might even have to employ an agency, or travel overseas to find him…

…but find him, you will.

I am convinced that there is a man for every woman simply because I have been exposed to so many men who all have such a wide array of tastes and interests. Many of the women who I wouldn’t be that interested in would really cause some of my male friends to just fall madly in love.

For instance, I am not interested in a woman who is taller than I am. It’s a personal taste. I just feel very odd looking up to a woman, and having to stand on my tippy-toes to kiss her. But that is just me. However, when I have mentioned to this to other men, I find that a goodly 25%, or one in four counter with “so what?” they argue (for the most part) that sex would be great; that our kids would be either fashion models or basketball players, and that all the other guys would think that I was a “stud” because I was with such an extraordinary woman.

I am also freaked out by Polydactylyism. But that is again, just me. It’s not that I am revolted by it, it just seems a little odd to me, and I don’t know if I can focus on the relationship if the woman had eight fingers on each hand. I’d always be wondering what our children would be like.

But on the other hand, a person’s kindness, confidence, experience, ability to communicate and participate in my interests, food, and just being fun goes a long… long way in me wanting to spend time with them.

[2] Men are attracted to a wide variety of shapes, and sizes.

I know I am.

There is NO SUCH THING as being too fat, too “thick”, too thin, too ugly, or too short. Nor is there too old, or too young.

I will tell you that, me personally, I generally have an upper limit on size for a woman that I am interested in. If she is bigger, wider or heavier than I am, I tend to lose interest. It’s NOT that I don’t like thick or fat people, it’s that I lose my interest in them as my interest lies towards smaller women than I am.

But I am not the average.

I have discovered, to my GREAT surprise, that many American men love bigger women. The urban ethnic folk call it “having booty”, and they absolutely go “ape shit” over a bigger voluptuous woman. I mean, really! And they are beyond themselves in how they react to the bigger women. And I mean it, too. The bigger… the better!

Like… really big… is really great. They just love a “pear shaped” woman.

Me, well, robust busty woman with big hair, big smile, and big shoulders are a turn-on. And I am not alone.

And I can see their point of view. I once dated a woman who was much larger than I was, and she had the nicest personality, she loved to cook and I ate well, and Lordy did she have an awesome chest. Purely amazing! So, this one woman altered my perceptions of what I like and favor in a woman. Who would have thought?

So, no matter what you size is… tiny, petite, slim, slender, curvy, athletic, rotund, bouncy… etc, you would be surprised at how others might find you to be attractive. And that is in everything. You NEVER know.

So accept yourself.

Just. As. You. Are.

[3] Stop trying to please your friends

When I was in High School there was a girl that was infatuated with me, and everyone at my work just hassled me and hassled me, and hassled me over it. They kept on saying how ugly she was. Well, I didn’t think that she was ugly, and she sure as heck had a “rocking body”, but I didn’t go out with her after the few precious dates. It wasn’t that I didn’t like her, it was that I hated the non-stop hassling at work, about how ugly she was.

She wasn’t ugly. I thought she was rather strong and handsome in a very womanly way. Like Loni Anderson.

But I listened to the asshole co-workers. Oh, how I regret that decision. Oh, how I lament my ignorance, and my piss-poor decision making ability!

Then one of those co-workers went out with her and they ended up getting married. And I remained single.

Single as in alone with no dates, at all.

Opportunist, jackass, asshole.

She wasn’t ugly. And she had a very appealing body shape. And I didn’t end up with her, even though she was really interested in me. Why?

It was because I listened to my friends and co-workers.

I often think of her. I often wonder what my life would have been if I spent some time with her. i often wonder what it would do to me, and affect my personality, but I never got that chance. I was young and I was a fool. I didn’t know any better. I made mistakes.

But I learned.

Slowly. Unfortunately.

As you get older, you learn that the opinions of others DO NOT MATTER when it comes to your own personal happiness. So shut them off, and go ahead and go after what YOU want. Stop trying to please others.

This goes to both men and women.

On another occasion, I was on a date where my (then) girlfriend brought two of her girlfriends along. I liked the girl. She liked me, but both of her girlfriends disapproved of me. And that was it. Who knows what kind of relationship we could have had. But I do know one thing, it went nowhere because her friends did not like me. I failed in pleasing three girls. I thought that pleasing one would have been enough.

Lesson learned.

Do not listen to your friends. Listen to your heart. Video.

[4] The most important thing that attracts a man is confidence.

It’s the same for women. Isn’t it?

I do not want you all to confuse being aggressive with confidence. I mean being comfortable with you you are, and what you are doing. Confidence. It’s such a turn on. In fact, many men will not ask a confident woman out on a date because they are afraid that she would say “no”.

So be very careful with this power.

You need to be who you are. Be comfortable with your good and your bad traits, and accept them. Think of yourself as a a nice comfortable pair of jeans. Just accessorize yourself as need be and as the occasions arise.

Myself, I am clearly a comfortable tee-shit kind of man, with a clean pair of jeans, and some well worn, but well tended for loafers.

Who are you?

A confident woman, would be able to throw on a dress, put on a thin foundation and some light makeup and run out the door in some low heels without a second thought. Are you that kind of woman?

Be confident on who you are, and what you are. Spend time with friends, and cherish the time with them. Share. Laugh. Enjoy a good drink and good food, and NEVER, ever, ever make a man feel uncomfortable around you. Men are attracted to confident comfortable women. That’s a fact. Video.

Ask any KTV hostess. They will tell you who the most popular girls are. They are the ones smiling, and joking around. Not the ones that are “beautiful” or who “look like fashion models”.

Fact.

This poor girl needs some confidence…

Important day tomorrow yet here I am. I would try to make myself more palatable/acceptable to people by being extra nice to them. Try to please them. At least let’s be the sweet ugly girl than bitter ugly b**ch I thought. No surprise but it doesn’t work. People just walk all over you and don’t treat you well still.

I tried to be cold, strong and someone who stands their ground but I couldn’t. The thing is, my voice gets shaky easily during confrontations and it immediately turns to full on bawling. I once lowkey embarrassed myself in public by crying like that.

So here I am, total people pleaser, doormat, someone who’s taken advantage of, always ditched, flakes out on and yet I take it without standing up once for myself. I hate it. I resent people because I end up giving more than what I get from them. I lost count the times I said sorry when I didn’t have to.

Since I never had good friendships since 17 or so, I don’t know how a healthy adult friendship is supposed to be. I don’t know what to expect, I’m in constant worry “is it okay to share this? Am I burdening this person?”. I never had friends (both online n irl) who I could go and vent to. It feels as if no one will ever understand me and support me.

I’m tired and lonely af. I feel vulnerable and weak.. I’m crying my eyes out as I write this.

Confidence. It’s very important. video.

Do you know what is missing?

Yeah. A smile.

How about this confident woman, instead…video

Or this lovely lass. See how her personality comes out when she smiles… video.

[5] Have a Passion.

So please find out what you love. What are the things that you can go on and on talking about？ Food? Dogs? Cats? Horses? Houses? Furniture? Fashion? Televisions Shows? Alcohol? Hunting or fishing? Politics?

Cast iron miniatures?

Gardening? Crafting? Cooking? Trees? Novels?

Find out your passion, and then find a man what has the same passion. You would be surprised. Yes you would.

You see, men are interested in COMPANIONSHIP.

If your passions match that of a man, then he will over look any of your (perceived) faults and really show an interest in you. You see, men are not looking for 100% perfection. They want 50%, and they will work on the other 50% to meet you half way.

You will be amazed at how they will not be able to see the imperfections that you are so worried about. And you will end up scratching your head at the things… the everyday things… that you do that really “turn him on”.

Something as silly as this video, perhaps.

And…

Here’s a woman who loves to cook. Being able to cook well is on my top personal requirements, and this gal is cooking bacon with peppers, onion and garlic. OMG! video.

I used to date (well we actually lived together) with a very attractive fashion model. I mean she was gorgeous. And though she was amazingly beautiful and we did eventually break up, the thing that attracted me to her was our shared love of poetry. And there she would sit listening to me read my poetry over coffee and absorb it all in.

I loved that.

Alas, she had faults that I could not bear, but that is immaterial. What attracted me to her was our shared passions.

From HERE…

Max was peeved. “I am so sick of boring profiles on the dating sites. The first thing people want is to hold hands and walk with someone at sunset on the beach. The second thing is to cuddle up on a couch and watch TV. Why can’t they think of something more interesting?”

I explained to Max that this yearning for sharing quality time is a universal because it reflects close companionship. This is what we all need and desire. It’s especially vital for older folks who must move at a slower pace and have the opportunity to savour shared quality time.

“But I’m not slow!”, declared Max. “At 68, I can keep up with the 40 year olds when we cycle round the bay on Sunday mornings. I want the companionship of a woman who can ride her bike with me at least for two hours into the country and pitch a tent an enjoy the peace and quiet of the bush”.

Where Max wanted active companionship, John was different. He was the film buff who enjoyed nothing more than holding hands with his woman for a film-fest and then having dinner and debriefing the film.

Both men could find their ideal companion. The significant thing about companionship is that there’s no “have tos” – it’s just time shared where you feel bonded and content.

But is companionship better than sex? It’s actually expressed in good sex!

Trust is an essential ingredient of companionship and trust is essential for good sex.

Kevin believes that love is also essential for good sex. He said, “Sex is empty without love. Sure the physical sensations are exciting and pleasurable but it dissipates quickly and leaves in its wake a sense of longing for what was missing. If loving intimacy is missing I feel both sad and upset during the act, like I’ve used the other and abused my own values – a vacuum forms and I feel it in the pit of my stomach – and in my heart. When everything is in place though and sex is love-making – there is nothing that compares!”

Seniors can be sexual in order to express affection, passion, love, loyalty and appreciation of life as opposed to merely a sexual release.

I acknowledge that some older folks become very limited in being able to engage in enthusiastic love-making. For them, non sexual touch is also magical. An arm around a loved one, a small caress on the back or a brush along the cheek with the back of hand are affirming, reassuring and reflect a partnership where the couple are caring companions.

To be truly loving, a relationship would need to work on a number of levels – spiritual, mental, physical, emotional. All of these are intricately interwoven and in balance, with caring companionship, can enhance longevity and quality of life.

[6] Change what you don’t like.

If there is something that you don’t like about yourself, don’t tolerate it. Change it.

As we get older, our faults become deeper and more ingrained. Our problems multiply, and our issues become real personality faults. Change what you cannot bear.

• For some people it is their job.
• For others it is their negative friends, or their over-bearing family.
• For still others it is their appearance.
• What ever it is that bothers you… change it.

We haven’t been taught to change things, but rather to deal with them; to accept them. And that generates anxiety and worry…

We have been worrying ever since we were little about making people angry or disappointed. These are worries that negatively affect us and are not at all beneficial for us.

Are you the type of person that thinks that they worry too much? Have you ever thought that you worry more than others? If that’s so, it’s time for you to change that situation, because you probably don’t like it, right?

Not worrying excessively doesn’t imply that we’re free of worrying, but it does mean we should learn to not give it as much importance as we currently are.

Many of the worries that currently hassle us are pretty silly. Do they really deserve all of our attention? Everybody else doesn’t give them their full attention, you shouldn’t either. Start changing today.

It’s incredible how much your life can change when you decide to change how you think. There are many things that have been instilled in us from our childhood, considerations that torment us when we become adults because something is just simply not working.

So do not worry about the things that you don’t like. You change them into something that you DO like.

If it is your weight, then you can exercise, and change your eating habits. I did not say diet. I said change what your eat, how much you eat, when you eat and all the rest.

If it is your shape, and exercise won’t do it, then sculpture your body.

If it is your outfits, clothing or whatever, you have the power to change it. Bleach away the old and embrace in the new.

[7] Don’ t force the change, embrace it.

Never force things. Always adapt to them.

Maybe you wish to be slim and petite, but you are tall, chunky and robust. No problem. Embrace it. Personally, I like robust women. But you need to know how to wear the proper clothes and how to carry yourself. Here’s some more robust girls that are fine with tight clothing.

It’s the same with me. If I wear tight fitting clothing, I need to exercise on my push-ups and sit-ups to make my frame fit the clothing. Otherwise, I look like an old man with a pot belly so big that it looks like I am nine months pregnant.

So what I do is wear bigger clothing, looser clothing. I just look like a regular guy. You cannot tell that I wear size 2xxL, instead of a M.

This trick is the same with women. Now some more robust women can wear tighter clothing and “pull it off”, but it’s difficult.

Video.

Accept who you are. Then adapt your lifestyle to fit. video

The rule is a simple one.

Tight clothes go on thin bodies. Loose clothes go on thick bodies.

The thicker, or fatter you are, the looser the clothing should be.

The girl below has a “barrel” shaped body, but look how absolutely gorgeous she looks in the nice wide flowing dress. She displays her best features; hair, eyes, cleavage, shoulders, and minimizes the things she doesn’t like.

So maybe you wore tight fitting clothes when you were in your teens, today, being twice that size means that you must adapt with the changes and adapt to the newer, more mature you.

Don’t live in the past.

Accept who you are right now.

This is how good a plus sized woman looks when she is wearing roomy clothes that fit her. WOW! Video.

[8] Good enough is good enough

Don’t wait for the perfect relationship to come. Go forth and make friends. One day, one of those friends will end up being the guy that you would like to settle down with. For some people this is quick, but for others it takes a lot of time. Don’t rush it.

Friends first.

Then something better later on, if you want.

Don’t look for perfection. Just look for friends. Given enough friends, you will be able to find the very special person, but the important key is getting out there and meeting him.

Remember; perfection is an ideal. It is not actually possible to obtain.

Do not seek perfection in yourself or in others. It will only cause you heartache and despair. Accept things, people and situations as they are. Not as you want them to be.’

It’s called being pragmatic.

[9] Turn off your preconceived notions.

Men are men.

Women are women.

Cats are cats.

If you think that you are going to change a cat to fit your lifestyle, then you are wholly mistaken. The same is true with just about every other animal, and that includes men and women.

If you are looking for a mate then get to know them first. Over time they will change to fit your needs, and you will change to fit their needs. You do not need to force this as it will happen naturally. But what you do need to realize that in a loving relationship, there is always room to grow… to expand… and to accept.

Be realistic about what men are, how they think, and what their desires are. It is neither a 14 year old teenager’s fantasy, or a feminist nightmare. It is something else entirely.

[10] What a man REALLY wants in a relationship.

I have a post on this. And it boils down to the simple rule of “best fit”.

There are about ten major things that a man looks for in a woman. If you can meet most of those items, you can definitively snag yourself a good decent man that would make a fine husband.

But if just meet the top three, you have a very good chance at a mutually sustaining long-term relationship.

Remember this simple fact; Men play the percentages.

Go here, for the detailed article…What Men Want

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[11] Be the best YOU that you can be.

Be clean. have nice habits. Dress in clothes that fits you. Avoid bad people, toxic people, and horrible bosses.

Be kind. Show compassion. Take the time to make others happy. Participate in your community and always do good things.

Be the Rufus. Video.

Not convinced? Here’s six minutes of being a Rufus, and showing compassion. video. 256MB.

Still not convinced? Here’s another three minutes of being a Rufus and showing compassion. video. 78MB

[12] Desperate times call for desperate measures

Forget about the free dating sites. (Or almost free computer dating sites.)

Go to a professional and pay the money.

Get a real assessment of your chances in obtaining dates and meeting desirable men. You will be surprised with the results. If they are good, they will help you and perform an entire “package image makeover”. They are worth their weight in gold.

[13] Smile

A smile is everything. video

The world might be falling apart, you might be ugly and have the body of a whale, but your smile will be what people will remember.

Never forget that.

Make a difference by smiling big and huge and radiating for the entire world to see.

[14] Nothing lasts

You might believe that you have found Mr. Right, and for a set period of time everything is just great. But over time, people learn, change, adapt and all sorts of things happen. For many of us, it means that often we all change. And when we change, we tend to move in different directions and our relationship might become strained.

There is nothing good or bad about this. It is just the way life is. You need to accept it, and realize that you have a window or an opportunity to get the best that you can in life. Accept what you have right NOW, and realize that things… all kinds of things can upset that perfect balance that you are living. So enjoy it. Savor it, and by all means NEVER compare yourself to another person.

Conclusion

I think that this gal is going to take some of my advice. In any event she has moved on, and MM is just a stepping stone on her life road. I hope that I performed some beneficial role in it. She said thank you and moved on. And that was that.

Don’t get caught up in the “woe is me” syndrome.

What ever you do, keep in mind that you are perfect as you are. Improve upon your perfection, and seek out others who share your interests. Get out, and go forth into the world with confidence and gusto.

Do not try to live up to the expectations of others, just know that somewhere out there is someone who understands you. Seek them out.

And know that you might have to travel a bit to find this person. Do not be afraid. Take the fist step in a journey that will continue for the rest of your life. I believe in you.

Do you want some more?

I have more posts in my Relationship Index here…

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