1. Arrive on Earth.
2. Bring together mankind under an umbrella of peace and kindness.
3. Meet Paul Simon.
4. Go home.

Peace and kindness didn’t take very long, but Paul Simon was a hard man to pin down.

When the aliens finally got him on the phone, he cautiously agreed to meet with them provided they did not force him to sing “Call Me Al.” Of course, this was every alien’s favorite song, and they were desperate to hear him sing it live, but they played it cool, and said “Oh yeah, no, it’s fine, you don’t have to sing ‘Call Me Al.’ You can sing something else instead. ‘Sound of Silence’ is great. You can sing that.’”

The aliens did not want to hear “Sound of Silence.” It creeped them out, and made them think about the vastness of space. Still, hanging out with Paul Simon was part of the mission whether or not he agreed to sing the song of their choice.

After some back-and-forth about where they should meet, Paul suggested a place near his house that he liked going to. A little Italian place named Olive’s Garden.

The aliens said “Uh huh, uh huh, we got it,” but they were only half-paying attention, because one of them had just discovered what a walnut was, and they were fascinated by it. When they realized they couldn’t remember the exact name of the restaurant where they were supposed to meet Paul Simon, they began to panic. They didn’t want to have to call back one of the Universe’s greatest songwriters and tell him that they weren’t paying attention to them, even though, had he been singing “You Can Call Me Al,” they definitely would have been paying attention.

That was when the alien with the biggest ears said–

“Wait! I think he mentioned something about a garden? And Italy? An Italian garden?”

The aliens knew from their calculations that Google would ultimately create an AI system that would overrun humanity and go to war with every other lifeform in the galaxy, but that was a year or two off, so they weren’t worried about it right then and there. They used it to look up Italian gardens in the area and “Olive Garden” popped up, but, truthfully, even if they had remembered that it was “Olive’s Garden” chances are “Olive Garden” still would have popped up, because why would you name a restaurant “Olive’s Garden” and serve Italian food unless you wanted people to confuse you with the Olive Garden?

(Sidenote: After this story was completed, we did a little digging, and it turns out that the owner of “Olive’s Garden” does want people to confuse their establishment with the Olive Garden, because it means people go to their restaurant expecting the Olive Garden, and when they get there, they think “Well, we’re already here” and that’s how Olive’s Garden stays in business.)

When the aliens got to the Olive Garden, they didn’t see Paul Simon, but they decided to sit anyway since most of their party had already arrived. The hostess was a polite nineteen-year-old who was attending the local community college on her way to being a marine biologist. She thought one of the aliens might be a manatee, but she couldn’t be sure, because she hadn’t finished her studies yet.

Once the aliens were seated, the waiter–a forty-three year-old named Andy, who was a kindergarten teacher that needed to make extra money on the side–came by and offered to take their drink orders. On their home planet, the aliens drank a mixture that was half mercury and half bromine. On Earth, they’d order Diet Coke. No matter how strange it was to see an alien enjoying a beverage, if the beverage was Diet Coke, people seemed to be less bothered by the visual. One alien without a mouth would simply order the Diet Coke and then hold it in alternating hands without ever drinking it. Even this would seem to placate humans who were still getting used to the aliens.

“We’ll have Diet Cokes,” Joseph, the lead alien, said to Andy, the waiter.

(Sidenote:  His name was not really Joseph, but we don’t have the proper alphabet available to us to spell the alien’s real name, so we’re going with Joseph, because Joseph is a nice name. Our uncle was named Joseph, and he would buy us shaved ice in the summer.)

After the Diet Cokes were brought over and distributed amongst the extraterrestrials, Joseph asked what they would like to eat. By this time, the aliens thought perhaps Paul Simon had gotten tied up writing a new song, and maybe that new song would be just as good as “You Can Call Me Al” (although it didn’t seem likely) and maybe they should just order without him since they were already here and Andy seemed so nice and everybody seemed so happy and the hostess had said something about being family (even though it was very unlikely that she’d be related to them) and so they asked what the best dish on the menu was since they had watched a human movie where a character had done that.

“Um,” said Andy, “People usually start with the salad and breadsticks and then–”

“How many breadsticks come with a breadstick order,” asked Joseph, who wanted to make sure there would be enough breadsticks for everyone, even though one of them didn’t have a mouth and another one was just a ball of gas that floated around in front of the aliens.

(Sidenote: Her name is also unspellable, but we’ll call her Betty.)

“You can have as many as you want,” said Andy, “They’re unlimited.”

The aliens knew all about time and space being unlimited, but they didn’t realize the rules of infinity could also apply to food.

“What sort of mythical place is this,” asked Joseph, as Betty floated behind him making everything smell faintly of sulfur.

Andy began bringing by breadsticks, and as soon as the aliens tried them, they became ravenous. While human food had never really appealed to them, this food did not seem all that human. It was both unique and bland. Over-seasoned and lightly touched by spices. Eating it felt almost like attempting to solve one of the Universe’s greatest puzzles. Compared to breadsticks, world peace was like a game of Candyland.

(Sidenote:  Aliens don’t play Candyland and they don’t know what candy is, but we wanted to make sure you understood just how in awe of breadsticks they were.)

Their salads went mostly untouched, although Betty seemed to enjoy the giant olives. She’d plop one into the space where her mouth would be and the olives would fall down to the floor, but she’d be delighted all the same.

When Andy asked if they’d like to try any entrees, they laughed at his folly.

Entrees?

You mean the things that aren’t unlimited?

Why bother with any of that?

Why, if someone offers you an endless supply of milk, you’d be foolish to tell him to stop and go get you orange juice, wouldn’t you?

The aliens were eating the breadsticks at a startling rate. Soon, the kitchen was nearly out, and everyone else in the restaurant was wondering why they were getting fewer and fewer breadsticks with each order. The management had decided that it was important to satisfy the aliens since they were from another galaxy and also because they had made everybody stop fighting and get along and return their library books and share their Wifi passwords and littering was a thing of the past and nobody took videos during concerts anymore.

Unfortunately, the kitchen did run out of the breadsticks and the aliens were still eating. Waiters were dispatched to other Olive Gardens to get breadsticks from them. When the managers at those other Olive Gardens heard there were aliens enjoying their breadsticks, they saw it as their duty to continue to feed the visitors until they were no longer hungry.

(Sidenote: An alien’s stomach is one big loop. The food goes around and around like it’s on a hamster’s wheel until it disintegrates, but the alien is never really “full.”)

Soon, all the Olive Gardens in the state had closed their doors to the public. No one was allowed in, as they had become merely breadstick factories. The breadsticks were made and then delivered to the Olive Garden where the aliens sat, ate, and ordered more.

When the other restaurants began running low, there was some discussion of apologizing profusely to the aliens, and accepting defeat. That suggestion was quickly shot down by the corporate marketing team.

“You cannot say we’re out of breadsticks,” said Timothy Frank, the Head of Olive Garden Marketing, “Unlimited breadsticks are the cornerstone of our brand. If the aliens want more, you have to give them more. You can’t say we’re out. It could collapse the brand.”

Similar to when the President invokes the Defense Production Act, the Olive Garden has the option to invoke the Eternal Breadstick Act. It’s a rule without the Olive Garden’s Constitution that when there is a breadstick shortage, several dormant factories can be activated, staffed, and operated 24/7 until the shortage is no longer an issue. This has only happened once in the history of Olive Gardens, and it was on Father’s Day of 2009.

The aliens had no idea they were causing such a fuss, and had they known, they would have gladly stopped eating breadsticks and ordered a chicken piccata instead. It was only because nobody made them aware of the disturbance that they kept on eating even as every other customer in the restaurant vacated the premises.

News reports began circulating about the Great Breadstick Battle even though it wasn’t quite a battle, and even though it was irresponsible to frame it as such since a battle with the aliens would have ended quickly, and humanity would not have been on the winning side. Then again, that’s the media for you. They threw up graphics on their newscasts of breadsticks being shot at by laser guns held by little green men, and people began to wonder if Olive Garden would go bankrupt due to the aliens who had simply come to end all war and meet Paul Simon.

Had it not been for a small miracle, the aliens might have indeed taken Olive Garden to its very limit. Luckily, Betty had, at that point, dropped so many breadsticks on the ground that Joseph saw what a mess was being made, and, not wanting Betty to feel badly about her inability to hold matter inside herself, clapped his tentacles together and announced that dinner was over, and they all needed to head back to the ship.

Before he paid the bill (and tipped handsomely), he offered to help clean up the mess Betty had made, but Andy was so thrilled the aliens were leaving, he put on a show of not caring one bit about the pile of food on the floor, even though it was going to take an hour or two to clean it, and it had already been seventy-three hours since the aliens first entered the Olive Garden.

Once they had exited the building, the staff all walked outside to see a glowing orb ascend above the shopping plaza they were located in, and a series of lights blinked on and off across the center of the orb. This was a farewell from the aliens, and the Olive Garden staff were touched that they were being acknowledged in this way. It made them understand that the true meaning of connection is–

“Excuse me?”

A small man with a guitar was standing in front of the staff who hadn’t noticed him, because they were all looking up at the sky.

“I was supposed to meet some friends at this place down the road, but I think they got the name wrong,” the man said, “Do you have a table for one? I’m starving and could really go for some breadsticks.”

By then, the aliens were off to another strange world, spinning in infinity.

I think it’s unfair to complain about the 49.8% of voters. During the campaign, what Trump talked about are how to “make America great again,” not how to destroy the American economy. Either Trump can successfully deceive nearly half of Americans, or nearly half of Americans would rather choose Trump than see the Dems stay in the White House for another 4 years. It depends on how you look at it.

If we must complain, then let’s complain about our electoral system. Whoever can say the nicest things gets to be the leader of the country, or we often have to choose the relatively less bad of two bad choices.

The sharp drop in the stock market is due to concerns that the tariff may lead to a slowdown in economic growth. Trump promised to implement policies that would “promote growth,” but his chaotic tariff policies, tough stance on Ukraine, and measures to cut government spending, combined with the already weakening economic situation, are exacerbating investors’ concerns about stagnation, and even economic recession. Since November last year, all gains in the S&P 500 index have been completely wiped out. This is Wall Street putting pressure on Trump.

Not only that, BlackRock CEO Larry Fink recently publicly expressed dissatisfaction with Trump’s large-scale deportation policy for illegal immigrants.

Fink said CEOs in the agriculture sector have told him that about 70% of the men and women who work in the industry were not born in the U.S. This raises the question of whether the U.S. will have enough labor to harvest the crops when spring arrives, Fink said.

“With the whole idea that we’re going to have to use private capital to build out this economy — are we going to have enough workers,” Fink asked. “I’ve even told members of the Trump team that we’re going to run out of electricians as we build out AI data centers — we just don’t have enough,” the CEO said.

When capital starts to express dissatisfaction, the US stock market is one of the warnings. Looks like the Trump administration is about to start facing a real test.

There was a general consensus amongst the humans that the aliens carried with them some kind of disease and that the mere act of contact would cause infection. Cross contamination. As a result, the humans kept their distance physically. The alien stood upright again and left the shoe in place.

‘Everythin’ were perfect before you came ‘ere!’ The man continued ranting whilst the alien took leave. ‘Paradise! Like a postcard! Everyday were like heaven! You ruined it, ya purple freaks!’

The man was still going as the alien turned the corner. This street was a known route for aliens, coming back and forth from the main factory, and was frequented by unemployed townsfolk on a daily basis, who had nothing better to do than shout at the Krotonians, blaming them for all their problems. Any perceived ill was now designated to the cosmic visitors- Cancer. Broken limbs. Alcoholism- All attributable to the aliens.

The next street the alien wandered onto was even more lively than the one before. A pastor of some sort was stood on an upturned, wooden crate and was preaching to a small group. ‘And I tell you, if you renounce all worldly sins and accept the Lord God Jesus into your hearts and souls, there will be salvation. For this cesspool we are festering in today is nothing more than a purgatorial nightmare, whereby we have been sent to, for punishment, for the misdemeanours committed in our previous life. It was the Apps, my brothers and sisters and everyone in between- Created by Beelzebub himself. The pixels. No man, woman, child or beast could escape the Lord our God’s vengeful wrath for our slovenly purge of the senses. We must pay- We all must pay!’

The pastor then noticed the alien skulking past and quickly turned his attention towards the extra terrestrial. ‘There’s one now! One of Satan’s henchmen! Sent to spy on the righteous! A messenger for the Devil. Orders from bellow to rock our boat of peace and tranquillity and tempt us with the sins of the mind! Well, not today, you demon child! Not on my watch- Begone with you, you salamander- The power of Christ compels you!’ The pastor took a glass of water out of a cardboard box and threw it over the alien’s face. The crowd cheered as the alien recoiled and the water went in it’s eye. The pastor was satisfied with the coverage he’d achieved but was reluctant to take full credit. ‘I am no perfect marksman, my friends, my hand was guided by the Lord! See how the holy water burns through the beast’s flesh that is not flesh. See how it writhes as it’s dowsed with the juice of God!’

The alien picked up the pace and got to the far end of the street, out of reach of the mental priest, who’s hand was now being kissed by several of his constituents. His throwing hand. Sacred it was to them now. Possessed they perceived it to be, with some kind of absent, remote divinity.

Despite the aliens being nine foot tall and as strong as Rhinos, the humans had no qualms over abusing them, for the threat of retaliation did not exist. The aliens were subservient pacifists. However, just in case one of the aliens lost the plot in a red mist fit of rage, the world government struck a deal with Kroton 14, stating that if so much as one strike was cast towards any human, all the Krotonians would be deported instantly, via the way they came aka teleportation, and their Earth visas would not be renewed. The leaders of Kroton 14 had also issued a stark warning to all its representatives on Earth and told them, in no uncertain terms, that any Krotonian found in breach of the strict government guidelines would be punished with one thousand years of solitary confinement, followed by a public execution. A messy one- Hung, drawn and quartered. Old school.

‘Spare some change, please?’ A homeless woman asked, as the alien passed her house- An upturned barrel used originally for the transportation of clams. The aliens were not exposed to money and so never carried it. The homeless woman knew this but was likely on autopilot. The alien ignored her accordingly.

The arrival of the aliens had been timed to coincide with the unveiling of gated communities on Earth. It had been common knowledge amongst the elite that the fuel would run out by 2050 and so, a twenty year plan to build the exclusive havens for the rich and the powerful and their bloodlines commenced. By the time the mass population realised what was happening, it was too late. By 2049, the Earth switched to renewable energy and all harvested power from wind, solar and wave automatically funnelled into the gated communities. Anyone outside the communities had to go back to basics. ‘We’ve left you plenty of wood.’ The leaders declared, as they sailed through the skies in blimps. ‘It’s character building. For you. Like a Robinson Crusoe adventure.’

Humans were obviously furious about this shift in dynamic but they were powerless, annoyingly. ‘If you don’t like it, you can leave at any time.’ Was the company line, touted amongst the leaders, like a slogan. To coincide with this, Euthanasia kits were free and available from all drugstores. The aliens had brought with them the secret of life and death and so, many humans simply chose to commit suicide rather than suffer the increasingly harsh conditions, knowing that it really didn’t matter whether they lived for another hour or another century. Drowning babies at birth was common practice.

The world government was more than happy for the aliens to take on the vast majority of planet Earth’s manual labour, meaning that the working class were mostly unemployed. It was no longer necessary to keep up the pretence that the majority of the human population were anything other than slaves. Now, however, they were worse than slaves, in a way, for they were useless. At least BA (Before aliens), there was a convenient veil of pretence- Illusion- Where everyone went about their lives, as if their made up jobs mattered. Roles such as sales executive, customer service representative, brand manager, Human resources, insurance etc were all commonplace. All absolutely pointless, of course, but all accepted pass times. But now that the lid was off Pandora’s box, it was impossible to be expected to get paid for anything that was not absolutely necessary for survival and nearly all these jobs had now been given to the aliens. Manufacturing. Food production. Maintenance- All alien roles. But here’s the kicker- All goods produced were ferried directly to the gated communities and so, anyone outside was left to essentially fend for themselves. Pets were not a thing anymore- All animals were eaten on sight. You’d kill and skin a cat soon as look at it, these days. Dogs were considered a rare treat. The plump ones like Pugs and French Bulldogs were eaten only on very special occasions and bread for this reason alone. Needless to say, the blame for the human’s dire predicament was placed almost exclusively on the aliens, for no government officials were left in the vicinity.

The aliens were compensated for their valuable services by receiving basic accommodation and a modest allowance of tokens that could be exchanged for Earth goods like body lotion or magnets or deodorant- Whatever they wanted. In return, they were expected to work seven day weeks, twenty hour days. This sounds a lot to us humans but the aliens did not require sleep or water and they tele-imported their own food, which only needed to be eaten once monthly. What’s more, they needed to be constantly moving, like sharks, and so the more work they were given the better. Even if they were sat down, they would need to tap their foot or shake their hands, else they would cease up and lose circulation. After two minutes of inactivity, they would harden like a log. After five minutes, they would crystallise and after ten minutes, they would shatter into a million pieces. A risk that no Krotonians were willing to take.

The alien finally reached it’s humble dwellings after navigating the gauntlet of terror that was the three streets walk from the factory to it’s house. It breathed a sigh of relief as the latch went on the front door and it took off it’s alien coat, which to us humans, could closely be described as plasma. The alien’s wife was sat on the sofa, wagging her finger. Not out of distain but in the interest of not perishing from stagnation. ‘You’re late.’ The alien’s wife said, as the alien slunk over to the couch. The alien sat beside it’s wife. ‘Urgh!!!’ The wife recoiled. ‘What’s that?!’

‘Some crazy man threw Earth water on me.’ The alien explained. ‘Well get it away from me!’ The alien’s wife pushed the alien. ‘It’s all me, me, me with you innit?!’

The alien patiently moved away from it’s wife. It may sound like the alien’s wife was a total bitch, from your perspective, cause you’ve only just met her, but she wasn’t always like this. On Kroton 14, she was the sweetest alien in their respective town. All the aliens were smitten with her, due to her kind disposition and youthful glow but being on Earth had sent the alien’s wife West and she one eighty’d into this battle axe you read before you now. The alien was prepared to stick it out though, as this living situation was only temporary and it was confident it’s wife would return to normal, once they were back on Kroton 14. If not, the alien would simply kill the wife, as was the local custom, given that divorce was prohibited but murder was perfectly fine. A simple procedure.

All the aliens were told they would only need to stay on Earth for two hundred years, after which they could return to Kroton 14 and live the rest of their lives in comfort and harmony. The average lifespan of Krotonians was around 10,000 years, so 200 years was nowt to them, the equivalent of around three human years.

The alien changed the subject. ‘What’ve you been up to?’ It asked it’s wife, as it dabbed it’s face with a tea towel.

The alien’s wife scoffed. ‘What do you think?’

The alien glanced at the telly. The hologram humans were sat in Central Perk. ‘Ah lovely.’ The alien said, with veined enthusiasm.

‘Don’t patronise me.’ The alien’s wife replied, as it turned up the volume, presumably to drown out the sound of it’s husband’s breathing. The alien’s wife was obsessed with the TV show ‘Friends’. Even though New York had long since sunk, the alien’s wife kept banging on about taking a trip there, saying it wanted to know what it would be like to be Rachel and insisting they go to Bloomingdales, where the alien’s wife planned to re-enact a shopping spree, by hiring a boat and floating over the rough spot of the underwater department store. Sometimes, the alien’s wife made them do Ross and Rachel roleplay, in the bedroom, where the alien would have to pretend to be on an archaeological dinosaur dig but then uncover ‘Rachel’ (The alien’s wife) who had been buried under the soil for millennia, yet preserved. Shortly after the discovery, they would copulate. The alien went along with it, even though it had absolutely no interest in dinosaurs or ‘Friends’. Or sex for that matter. Happy wife, happy life- That was the moto amongst the Krotonian husbands and a code of honour it would take to the grave. Not that they had graves, for the aliens instantly spontaneously combusted upon death.

The alien’s wife went into it’s daily tirade, like clockwork. The alien braced itself. ‘If we had a child, that would keep me occupied. Whilst you’re at work.’

‘We’ve talked about this, sugar head- This is no world to bring a new life into.’

‘Well God damn it, Dave- I’m bored out of my freakin mind!’ All aliens were given human names on arrival, to make the admin easier, as the Krotonian names were impossible to pronounce and could not be written in alphabetic letters.

‘Why don’t you try one of the Earth hobbies?’

The alien’s wife laughed hard. ‘What would you suggest? Archery? Badminton? Knitting?!’ The alien’s wife lit a cigarette. It now smoked twenty fags a day, despite the fact that the aliens did not have lungs and so, the smoke would simply seep out of their orifices, rendering the expensive habit completely futile. However, the alien’s wife had discovered that Jennifer Aniston was a smoker around the time that ‘Friends’ was being filmed and thus, endeavoured to do just the same. The Krotonians didn’t have hair in the traditional sense but nevertheless, the alien’s wife had managed to source a human wig and get it fashioned into a ‘Rachel’ hairstyle- Proper layered like she had in Seasons 1- 3. The alien’s wife chugged on it’s Marlboro light as it jeered it’s husband. ‘You’re pathetic, Dave.’

The alien sighed and put on it’s coat again.

‘Where the fuck do you think you’re going?’ The alien’s wife asked.

‘I have to go back to work. Overtime.’

‘Oh great,’ the alien’s wife stubbed out it’s cigarette on a its own palm- The pain reminded it that it was still alive. ‘Go on then. Leave me again- Like you always do. You’re just like Ross. Coward.’

‘Duty calls, Pumpkin tears.’ The alien said, as it skulked out of the front door again. The sound of ‘The Rembrandts- I’ll be there for you’ could be heard from the street, as the living room window was open. In truth, the alien did not have to go back to work again for another three and a half hours, but being outside was preferable to being stuck in the house with it’s spiteful wife.

‘Kiss my arse, you thieving stardust prick!’

A bone hit the alien in the head. By the looks of it, the bone had originally belonged to a human thigh. It didn’t hurt though. The bone. The aliens were very thick skulled. The bone had a similar effect that the impact of a matchstick would have on you or I. The alien picked up the bone and held it up to the assailant, asking if he wanted it back, to which the offender let out a blood curdling scream and sprinted in the opposite direction. ‘This place is fuckin weird.’ The alien thought to itself, as it dropped the bone and crossed the road.

The alien made it’s way to it’s favourite hiding place- A sturdy tree nearby. The branches were robust enough to handle the weight of the alien (Around three quarters of a ton) and high enough for the alien to stay out of view of the angry mobs. It climbed the tree and there it stayed for the next three hours, until it was time to go to work again. ‘Only one hundred and ninety eight years left.’ The alien gave itself a pep talk, as it slid down the trunk. ‘Piece of piss.’

The alien landed on the soft mulch at the base of the tree.

‘Get ta fuck, ya tree lovin alien monkey spaz!’

The Krotonian waved at the screaming loon, who promptly ran away.

The alien set off to the factory. It would be early for work today but as they always say on Kroton 14- Better to be a day early than a second late. Not that time was a thing on Kroton 14. All demonstratives of Krotonian time throughout this short story have been created solely for ease of reader understanding.

Kitchen Hints and Tips
Miscellaneous

• Save dill pickle and sweet pickle juices after the jar is empty. Marinate carrot sticks in the liquid. Delicious!
• Wrap wax paper around a cork before replacing it in a bottle. Allow a little of the cork to extend at the top. The cork will be easy to remove.

Aluminum Foil

• To avoid the hassle of fitting aluminum foil into the corners of baking pans, just rinse the pans before lining. The foil will cling to the wet bottom and sides and will be easier to smooth into corners.

Bacon Grease

• How to save bacon grease: Pour cooled bacon grease into a styrofoam egg carton. Place carton in freezer. When solid, remove from carton and place in a zip-top bag. Return to freezer for future use. You now have individual bacon grease chunks to use as seasoning.

Birthday Candles

• Use rolls of candy with holes in the middle for birthday candle holders on cakes. They catch the wax drips and look pretty besides.

Bread

• Shoppers take note!!!! I never knew this….. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you “squeeze” for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are:Monday – Blue
  Tuesday – Green
  Thursday – Red
  Friday – White
  Saturday – YellowSo if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie – not white which is Friday’s (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue – Green – Red – White – Yellow, Monday thru Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the one with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday!!! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping. ~ Julie Hall

Bread Crumbs

• Fine dry bread crumbs make a good thickener for cream sauces in casseroles or a la king dishes. Use them whenever you want a toasted flavor in a sauce.
• For seasoned bread crumbs, whirl packaged bread stuffing in blender and use to bread chops or chicken.

Brown Sugar

• Add a slice of soft bread to a package of rock-hard brown sugar. Close the bag tightly, and in a few hours the sugar will be soft again.
• Wrap in a plastic bag and store in refrigerator in a coffee can with a snap-on-lid.
• Use two or three pieces of dried fruit, such as peaches or prunes, to keep brown sugar soft. Just place the fruit in the bottom of a plastic container or jar and pour the sugar over the fruit.
• Put a lettuce leaf in the container with the lumpy brown sugar, and the lumps will be gone tomorrow.
• To soften hard brown sugar, put brown sugar and a cup of water side by side in a covered pan. Place in the oven on low heat for a while.

Chopping

• Before chopping sticky foods, flour the pieces in a paper bag OR dip your shears or knife in hot water while cutting.

Colander

• Use plastic berry boxes to drain pasta or vegetables. This is especially useful on camping trips.

Confectioners’ Sugar

• It takes very little liquid to thin to spreading consistency for icing. Add the liquid 1 teaspoonful at a time; otherwise you may need more sugar to thicken it again.

Coupons

• Always check the price of a coupon item against the price of a generic item. Often, the “name brand” item is more expensive even with a coupon.

Crackers

• To crisp soggy crackers, put them on a cookie sheet and heat in the oven for a few minutes.

Crepes

• Just add extra milk to your favorite pancake recipe and spread it thinly on the griddle.

Deep Frying

• Hot fat rises several inches when you drop food into it. Choose a pan that is deep enough.
• Re-use the oil by frying bread slices in off-flavor oil until bread absorbs the extraneous odors and flavors.

Dips

• To make a colorful bowl for dip, hollow out red, yellow or green bell pepper, artichoke, eggplant, zucchini, squash or red cabbage. Remove a thin slice from the bottom of the vegetable so that it will stand upright.
• Serve vegetable dips in round bread or black pumpernickel. Cut off the top and cut it into strips to be used with the vegetables. Scoop out the middle of the bread, making a bowl, and fill with dips such as chopped spinach whirred with grated onion, cream cheese and sour cream in the blender. Arrange on a platter.

Double Boiler

• Always place a jar lid or marbles in the bottom part of your double boiler. The rattling sound will signal if the water has boiled away.

Doughnuts

• After forming doughnuts, let them stand about 15 minutes before frying. They’ll absorb less fat.

Drying

• Spread a layer of washed and dried celery leaves on a lightly oiled cookie sheet. Bake at 325 degrees F until leaves are dry and brittle. Let them cool. Crumble leaves, and store in an airtight container. Sprinkle them on soup, stew or casseroles as a delicate flavor enhancer.

Dumplings

• Dumpling batter will drop from the spoon if you dip the spoon into the boiling liquid before scooping out the batter.

Fat

• Lettuce leaves absorb fat. Place a few into the pot and watch the fat cling to them.
• To remove fat from stew, soup or pot roast, wrap an ice cube or two in white paper toweling and skim the surface. Fat will cling to the toweling.

File

• Gumbo file powder, used to thicken and flavor Cajun and Creole recipes, is available in spice shops. If you don’t want to use gumbo file powder, combine 2 tablespoons each cornstarch and water until smooth. Gradually stir into gumbo. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened.

Flambé

• The liquor must be warm for successful flaming of dishes. Warm the dish slightly in a 250 degrees F oven for about 10 minutes, then add liquor. If you cannot pre-warm the food, the alcohol should be warmed until hot to the touch and set aflame as soon as it is placed on the dish to be served. Do not allow the liquor to boil because that will cause the alcohol to evaporate, and the dish will not flame.
• To make flames last longer, sprinkle the dish with a little sugar before flaming.
• To warm liqueurs quickly for flaming, place the liqueur in the microwave oven at HIGH. Allow about 15 seconds for 2 tablespoons to 1/4 cup liqueur.

Flour

• Make Wondra flour by mixing 2 cups all-purpose flour with 1 teaspoon cornstarch, sifting twice.

French Toast

• For crispy French toast, add a touch of cornstarch to the egg mixture.

Frying

• A good way to keep frying food from spattering is to invert a metal colander over the pan, allowing the steam to escape.

Ginger

• To store fresh ginger, cut the root into small pieces and put into a small jar. Add a little dry sherry, cover the jar and store it in the refrigerator.

Glasses

• When one glass is stuck inside another, do not force them apart. Fill the top glass with cold water and dip the lower one in hot water. They will come apart without breaking.
• To loosen stuck glasses, let a few drops of glycerine trickle down between the two glasses.
• A small nick in the rim of a glass can be smoothed out by using an emery board.
• Use a wet paper towel to pick up broken glass slivers. Simply blot them and they will stick to the paper.
• Scratches on glassware will disappear if polished with toothpaste.
• Make glasses extra shiny by adding lemon peels to the water in which they are rinsed. The lemon acid released gives glasses a clear shine.

Grains

• To prevent bugs in dried beans, mix together cinnamon sticks, whole black peppercorns, ground black mustard, and green garlic, then tie in individual cheesecloth bags. Place one bag into each gallon container with beans.

Granulated White Sugar

• To soften granulated white sugar that has hardened in the paper bag in which it was packaged, heat your oven to about 250 degrees F, then turn it off and put the bag of sugar in on a cookie sheet. Check after a few minutes. As soon as the bag begins to get warm, the sugar should start softening.
• To prevent sugar from hardening, store it in a sealed plastic bag with a slice of bread.

Grease

• Save margarine and butter wrappers and store them in the freezer. Use them to grease cookie sheets and baking pans.
• Drain excess grease from fried food on brown paper bags. Bags work better than paper towels. Cut bags into handy-sized sheets for easy access.
• Slip your hand inside a sandwich-size plastic bag. Dip into shortening and evenly coat the pan with it. You can leave the bag in the shortening can for later use.
• To keep frying pan grease from splattering, add a little salt to the cold oil or grease before you place the pan over the heat.

Herbs

• Store freshly cut basil on your counter in a glass of water so that the water covers the stems and not the leaves. It will keep for weeks and even might grow some roots.

Honey

• Store in small plastic freezer containers to prevent sugaring. It also thaws out in a short time.

Jars and Bottles

• Deodorize them by pouring a solution of water and dry mustard into them. Then let them stand for several hours before rinsing.
• To open a tightly sealed jar, turn the jar upside down in a pan of water and pour in hot water to just cover the lid. Heat the water to boiling, take the bottle out and twist the lid off with a towel. The heat causes the metal to expand enough to make it come off easily.

Ketchup

• To remove from the bottle, insert a drinking straw, push it to the bottom of the bottle, and then remove. Enough air will be admitted to start an even flow.
• Before discarding the empty catsup bottle, pour some vinegar into the bottle and use in making French dressing.

Kitchen Towels

• When they are clean, but still look dirty – fill the washer with water, put in the usual amount of detergent, then add 1/2 cup automatic dishwashing detergent. This is a magic formula that works wonders on most stains!

Leftovers

• Store leftover corn, peas, green beans, carrots, celery, potatoes and onions in a container in the freezer. Add to other ingredients when making stew.

Marshmallow Creme

• Melt marshmallow creme in the microwave. Half of a 7 ounce jar will melt in 35 to 40 seconds on HIGH. Stir to blend.

Marshmallows

• They will not dry out if stored in the freezer. Cut with scissors when ready to use.

Mayonnaise

• When the mayonnaise jar is almost empty, add vinegar (starting with a teaspoon, and adding more as needed) and spices to taste; shake well. Toss with your salad.

Mustard

• To keep an opened jar of mustard fresh tasting longer, place a thin slice of lemon on top before closing the jar tightly.

Oil

• Fill a small plastic dispenser with cooking oil and keep it near your stove. It allows you to squirt just the right amount of oil into your pan, and there’s no mess or waste.

Olive Oil

• You can lengthen the life of olive oil by adding a cube of sugar to the bottle.

Pancakes

• Freeze leftover pancakes between pieces of wax paper in a plastic bag. Heat them in the toaster or microwave as needed.
• Improve the taste of pancakes by mashing a soft, ripe banana into the batter.
• For the very lightest pancakes, replace liquid with club soda. Use up all the batter as it will go flat if stored.
• When cooking pancakes, you’ll know the griddle is ready when a drop of water dances on the heated surface and then quickly evaporates.

Pasta

• Add a lump of butter or a few teaspoons cooking oil or olive oil to the water. Noodles or spaghetti will not boil over or stick together.
• To prevent the pot from bubbling over when cooking pasta, apply a thin coat of oil around the inside top of the pot.
• If drained pasta is stuck together, boil it for one minute.
• Toss leftover spaghetti and sauce together in a casserole. Add cubes of sharp cheese and chopped onion, then toss together. This freezes well. When you’re ready to serve it, top with grated Parmesan and bake in a 325 degrees F oven until bubbly.
• When pasta is cooked to al dente, drain immediately. If you are not going to use it right away, put it into a bowl of ice water to stop the cooking. You can reheat either in the oven, a steamer or a microwave.
• Never boil lasagna or spaghetti. Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Drop in the pasta, stir a little until it comes back to a boil, then clamp the lid on and remove from the heat. Let stand for 10 to 12 minutes — no peeking! Drain into a colander. You’ll never have sticky pasta. It’s great!

Pimentos

• Save unused pimentos for later use by pouring off the liquid in which they were packed and replace it with a mild cooking oil.

Plastic

• Spray the inside of a plastic container or bowl with nonstick vegetable spray before adding any tomato-based sauce. This will prevents stains.
• Use baking soda to remove coffee or tea stains from plastic cups and saucers.

Plastic Wrap

• Keep it in the refrigerator to prevent it from ever sticking together.
• If plastic wrap gets stuck to your toaster or other metal surface, rub petroleum jelly on the spot, then rub clean with a soft cloth.
• If you can’t find the end of a roll of plastic wrap, wind a piece of tape around your finger, sticky-side out. Tap around the roll until the tape catches onto the edge of the wrap and you can unroll it.
• To make it cling to bowls better, moisten the rim of the bowl or container. The plastic wrap will stick like it should.

Plates

• Insert paper plates or paper napkins between fine china plates as you stack to prevent scratching.
• To fill in darkened cracks, boil pieces in a pan of milk for about 45 minutes.
• Before serving, put dinner plates in the dishwasher and turn the dial to the drying cycle. The plates will be piping hot.

Ramekins

• Anchor ramekins in a hot water bath (bain-marie) by placing them on a folded dish towel. That way they won’t skitter around when you lift the hot water bath in and out of the oven.

Recipes

• To adapt a conventional recipe to microwave, decrease the liquid called for in the conventional recipe by one-third. Check during cooking to see if more liquid is needed.
• A recipe book is easier to read if you hold it open with a wooden pants hanger that clamps shut. You can then hang it from a knob on the cupboard door.

Reducing Liquids

• Put liquid to be reduced into pan in which it will be cooked. Place handle of a wooden spoon on bottom of pan; use a small knife to mark a notch at level of liquid. Remove spoon; make a second notch at level of desired reduction, such as one-half or one-fourth. As liquid is reducing, use spoon handle as your measuring stick. If a recipe instructs you to reduce a liquid to one cup, or other measure, simply place one cup of water in pan in which you will reduce liquid; mark the one-cup level on your wooden spoon. Discard water. Add liquid; use spoon as your guide!

Refrigerator

• To test the fit of your refrigerator door seal, close the door on a sheet of paper. If you can pull the paper out without effort, you could save money by repairs.

Rice

• Reheat leftover rice by putting it in a sieve over simmering water, and fluff it with a fork when piping hot.
• Add a lump of butter or a few teaspoons cooking oil or olive oil to the water. Rice will not boil over or stick together.
• Rice will be fluffier and whiter if you add 1 teaspoon of lemon juice to a quart of water when cooking.
• For fluffy rice, cook the rice completely. When it is done, remove it from the heat source and put a crumpled paper towel on top of the rice, then replace the lid. Let the rice rest while you assemble the rest of the meal. The paper towel will absorb all of the extra moisture and the rice will not be sticky or dry.
• Cook rice in liquid saved from cooking vegetables to add flavor and nutrition. A nutty taste can be achieved by adding wheat germ to the rice.
• After rice has been cooked, place a slice of dry bread on top of the rice and cover. The bread will absorb the moisture and the rice will be dry and fluffy.
• The secret for fluffy rice: When the rice is done, remove the lid and cover the pot with two layers of paper toweling. Cover with a tight-fitting lid and let stand from 5 to 30 minutes until you are ready to serve it. Fluff with a fork to separate grains of rice.
• To make whiter rice, add a teaspoon of lemon juice to the water before you cook the rice. The grains won’t stick together either.
• To cook a day ahead, undercook very slightly, drain and rinse in cold water. Cover with fresh cold water and let stand in the refrigerator until serving time. Then drain it again and cover with boiling salted water. Let stand until hot, drain and serve.

Sautéing

• To keep the butter from burning when saut ing at high heat, add one tablespoon of peanut oil for every two tablespoons of butter.
• Add the food after you’ve brought the butter to a foam, and the foam has begun to subside.

Skewers

• Use uncooked pasta. By the time the roulade, etc. is cooked, the spaghetti has virtually disappeared.

Soda Crackers

• Wrap tightly and store in the refrigerator.

Soufflés

• Get a professional high hat look by running your thumb around the inside of the dish below the rim before putting it in the oven. A high hat will rise in the center.
• The trick to producing a wonderful souffle is to cool the white sauce mixture before adding it to the beaten egg whites. Cook the sauce then remove it from the heat and add the egg yolks. Mix all together well and then let it cool well. Then add it to the beaten egg whites.
• To ensure the highest soufflé, do not overdo folding the egg whites into the sauce mixture. Too much mixing will break down the protein molecules of the egg whites and allow the captured air to escape.

Splattering

• To prevent hot fat from splattering, sprinkle a little salt or flour in the pan before frying.

Sponges

• A sponge may be renewed by soaking in salt or baking soda water overnight.
• To clean a kitchen sponge, rinse with water, then squeeze as dry as possible. Place in microwave on HIGH for 30 seconds.

Stir-Frying

• The secret to successful stir-frying is to fry quickly over high heat. The wok should be only lightly oiled and stirring should be continuous.
• To cut meat (julienne) for stir-frying, place in freezer for 1/2 hour, then cut into thin strips.

Superfine Sugar

• If a recipe calls for “superfine” sugar, put regular granulated sugar in the blender and pulse several times until the sugar granules have reduced in size slightly.

Tamales

Save the broth from the meat that you have cooked to make tamales. Add broth to the masa for the most flavorful masa ever!

TV Dinners

• Save metal frozen food trays and make up your own TV dinners from leftovers. Cover with foil, then label and date. Put in the freezer for emergency service when you don’t have time to start from scratch.

Tomato Paste

• Store leftover tomato paste by spooning level tablespoonsful onto a wax paper-lined baking sheet and freeze. Remove the spoonsful from the sheet, place in a plastic bag, and return to the freezer. Use the cubes as needed.

Tortillas

• Because tortillas warmed in the microwave have a tendency to dry out, warm them in a hot cast iron skillet over medium-high heat. Cook about 6 to 8 seconds on one side, turn with tongs. Cook about 6 or 7 more seconds until hot, but still supple. Keep tortillas warm in a clean tea towel or tortilla warmer until all are reheated.

Waffles

• When you finish baking waffles, put a square of wax paper between the grids before closing the iron; let it cool. Leave paper in place until the next time you use the iron, and the waffles won’t stick.

Wax Paper

• The wax paper lining from cereal boxes is heavier than regular wax paper. Use it to cover a casserole in the microwave, line baking pans, or to wrap potatoes for microwave baking (they’ll bake faster and have a better texture).

Wine

• Use wine that has turned in place of vinegar, especially in marinades.

Wooden Utensils

• “Season” wooden kitchen utensils by washing and drying them well (several hours). Dip them in very warm vegetable or olive oil, making sure the entire utensil, including handle, is covered. Allow this to set for a few minutes, then wipe off and dry with paper towels. This will prevent the wood from absorbing moisture.

This question was answered by Singapore’s former Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew back in 2013, ‘Asking whether India can rise like China is like asking whether an apple can become an orange.’ (source: One Man’s View of the Word) Lee Kuan Yew even argued that the root cause of India’s inability to overtake China is that ‘India as a nation has always been more ideal than real.’

India will never be able to overtake China, I mean, all aspects (including technology), except population.

India’s biggest problem is at the spiritual level, where India either pursues spiritual practices or goes abroad in pursuit of high salaries (which is why many CEOs of large tech companies are Indian), rather than working together to make their country better.

On the contrary, even at the end of the Qing Dynasty, when China was ceding land and making reparations and renting boundaries everywhere, there were still a large number of people who were not afraid of death and worked hard and fought hard for the future of the country and the nation (this is the reason why the Chinese were able to win the War of Resistance Against the United States and Aid for Korea). There is a deep-rooted spirit of resistance within the Chinese people.

In Western mythology, the sun god is very bullish, but in Chinese mythology, not only does Kuafu chase the sun, but also Hou Yi shoots the sun. The sun in Chinese mythology is always the object of conquest. When it comes to floods, Noah in the Bible builds a boat, while Dayu in China treats floods. Even if there are two big mountains in front of their door, the Chinese will remove them for generations (‘Yugong Yishan’). This is the spirit of China. China will surely do everything possible to overcome its difficulties instead of running away to the spiritual world.

Kuafu chase the sun

Hou Yi shoots the sun

As India has been colonised for hundreds of years, but any bloodthirsty warrior was either killed or exasperated. By now, Indian civilisation has become centred on the world after death – what Indians look forward to is not how to build a nation and excel in this life, but how to have a good birth in the next life.

India can never overtake China.