This is the story about how I got married to my wife in China. As such, this is my dedication to all the others who have to plow through obstacles to be together. Here is what to look out for, and how getting married in China works.
“Sometimes this culture of controlling their kids and who they marry then gets passed down from generation to generation..."
- The moms of 'Crazy Rich Asians' discuss the diversity of motherhood
I know all the details are too tedious and boring for casual reading. So I am not going to go into the details.
However, there is a music video 听见下雨的声音 that describes what it was like for me and wife to get married. I want to dedicate this post using this video as the narrative.
Pause. Watch the three minute video. Return.
This is the way it happened. I tell you the truth.
Please kindly note that this post has multiple embedded videos. It is important to view them. If they fail to load, all you need to do is to reload your browser.
Let it be well understood that getting married to the love of my life was was not easy. It wasn’t easy. There were all sorts of hurdles in the way, and yes per Chinese tradition she was to be married off to another boy. This guy was richer, better, more attractive than me.
It was an arrangement made many many years ago. It was made when I was still in elementary school, and while my love knew about it, she somehow felt that she could get around it.
No. She could not.
He was better than me in every measurable way. But somehow we overcame all those obstacles. There is a music video that aptly describes what it was like for us to get together, and I refer to it throughout this post.
Have I been treated unfairly by a boyfriend’s mother because I was not their kind of Asian?
Absolutely! (Two now-ex boyfriends, in fact.)
I was never going to be good enough because I wasn’t the right shade of Asian. I didn’t come from the same background, go to an Ivy League school, or have the right last name.
-ThoughtCo
Yes, my background is certainly more capable than the humble clerk in the music video. Yet, this is a timeless story that others, just like me and my wife, have gone through. This is my dedication to all the others who have to plow through obstacles to be together.
This is my dedication to all the others (maybe others like you, perhaps) who have to plow through obstacles to be together. This is my dedication for all you out there who are in love and are fighting to be together. This is my dedication for you, and for your love.
It’s true.
In fact, if you want to get married to a Chinese guy or girl in China, you WILL need their parents approval. This is codified in law, as well as the documents that all families have. If you get married, your name will go into a household register, and who controls that document? Well… the parents do.
Unless you have their approval, you will not be able to get married in China.
This is because in China, you will need more than love. You will need HEART.
This means that love will not be enough. You will need to make your relationship work. Not only functionally, but you will need to obtain the approval of parents. Many, of whom will have natural biases against you.
These biases are many, and depending on where your love lives, it can include anything from your familial background to your earning potential.
So yes. You will need to love, and you will need to work. You will need to prove yourself, but also you will need to fight for your love.
More so than Westerners, many Chinese view dating as a pragmatic affair. It’s not always about finding love so much as it is about finding a potential marriage partner who fits with one’s own ideals. For example, although many men get married without a house and a car, Chinese women will often say that they’re looking for these things because that’s the sort of person who probably has a stable career and will be able to provide for her and their future children in the long-term. It’s not always about love. As one contestant on China’s most popular dating show put it, "I’d rather cry in a BMW than laugh on a bicycle." -ThoughtCo
You must, of course, fight. I don’t mean put on some boxing gloves. I mean push yourself, and push yourself to your limits. You need to make the money to prove that you are worthy. You need to be a little better than everyone else. You need to show to your mate that you are worthy of them.
In this video, a poor boy is working all the time so that he can be married to the girl of his dreams. This girl is the one.
The ONE; that one very special person that you want to share your life with.
Ah, but.. But he doesn’t have a college degree. He is of limited means, so he works at what he can do. He works multiple jobs and saves and saves his pennies. He works and works. He does his best, and yes it is dirty, and demeaning work.
Well, the father does not like him. Instead, he chooses a rich boy, one who is upwardly mobile for his daughter. And she, as a good Chinese daughter, listens to her father.
She obeys her father.
This is a very sweet version of the song from the video, sung by Kiniyo. I place it here so that you, the reader, can listen to it now.
I think Kiniyo does a nice job singing about this very, very common situation that Chinese boys and girls must endure.
This is not fifty years ago. This is today. This is contemporary China, and yes this practice is still very common. It is the most common way for a person to get married in China. However, today (in most of China) they tend to be a little softer about who the daughter is to marry.
As such, they give them a year or two to find a mate. If they don’t find a boy, then the parents will find one for them.
Every parent is different, of course, but in general Chinese parents expect to be more involved in their children’s relationships. It’s not uncommon for parents and grandparents to set their children up on blind dates with suitable matches they’ve found.
If their child’s significant other doesn’t meet with the parents’ approval, continuing the relationship will be very difficult. That’s why if you’re dating someone who is Chinese, it’s very important you make a good first impression with the parents!
-ThoughtCo
In richer families, like my wife’s, they are often very strict and particular on who will marry. They are absolute in this regards, most especially if you come from certain regions in China. Like some of the richer sections of Hong Kong, Shanghai, Taiwan, or Beijing. Or in certain provinces or cultural enclaves like Wenzhou.
And, in certain areas (regions) of China, dating a 外国人 (wài guó rén) – a non-Chinese foreigner, is absolutely out of the question.
The father will decide who will marry his daughter.
But you know, love is the glue that builds a family. Not a document or diploma. It’s not how good you look or how well connected you are. It is the love that binds the family together and enables the family to persist through hardship.
Love is what you need to make things last decade after decade. Love has a purpose and there is a reason why it exists. When you love someone you are connected to them, and you can “feel” them and what is going on with them.
Yes. You can “feel” them, and this is a real connection.
In China, especially if you come from a wealthy or prominent family, you WILL marry who they tell you to marry. This is the way that it is done, and I can tell you that I encountered this situation personally.
If you have any questions or confusion about this, then perhaps you should get your head out of the sand and watch the movie “Rich Crazy Asians“. That movie had a number of scenes that really reflected how parents influence the people their children marry.
Crazy Rich Asians is a 2013 novel by Kevin Kwan. Kwan stated that his intention in writing the novel was to "introduce a contemporary Asia to a North American audience". He claimed the novel was loosely based on his own childhood in Singapore. The novel became a bestseller and was followed by two sequels, China Rich Girlfriend in 2015 and Rich People Problems in 2017. A film adaptation of the novel was released on August 15, 2018.
-Crazy Rich Asians - Wikipedia
This influence can be an enormous burden and hardship on the child. This is especially true when they love someone, and their parents forbid them to be together. While it is true that many people can get married in China and avoid family approval, this is not true for everyone.
There are still many families that take marriage and future family composition quite seriously.
Midway through Crazy Rich Asians, Michelle Yeoh–who plays the disapproving mother of Constance Wu’s love interest and would-be husband–tells Wu’s character, “You will never be enough.” -Fastcompany
In the MV by Jay Chou titled 听见下雨的声音, this is quite realistically portrayed.
In the video, the boy saves up all of his money.
That’s what a guy does. he saves up everything and than gives it all to the girl of his dreams. This might sound so strange as it doesn’t fit the progressive liberal reality of what a family is. It is the way traditional families are structures, and in traditional families, the man works as hard as he can and give all of it to his wife.
Not some of it. Not most of it.
All of it.
ALL OF IT.
That is how the dowry came into being. It was a way to show that the boy loves the girl well enough to give everything to her.
That is what a dowry is. But in today’s world, it isn’t enough.
Often in China, the mechanism for getting married was set in place many, many years earlier. The love of your life; your dream girl… THE ONE, might be promised to someone else. And the entire community might know of it. And there might not be anything that you can do about it.
She will be obligated to marry who ever her parents tell her to, or else the entire face of the family will be in jeopardy.
Just like in the English expression “saving face,” the “face” we’re talking about here isn’t a literal face. Rather, it’s a metaphor for a person’s reputation amongst their peers. So, for example, if you hear it said that someone “has face,” that means that they have a good reputation. Someone who doesn’t have face is someone who has a very bad reputation.
-Face Culture in China
But life is not that simple.
Love isn’t enough. Money isn’t enough.
You need the blessings of the parents. Without those blessings, you will be absolutely unsuccessful in getting married or having a family register in China. Without a family register, you cannot have children.
You need the blessings of the parents.
But, there are often other forces and other situations that will define what happens in your life. There are complex relationships, long held debts, and familial responsibilities that you can be caught up in and not even know about.
The parents will have a duty to make sure that you obey the familial obligations.
But you know, sometimes being wealthy, being kind, saving money, working hard… isn’t enough. The things running against you two being together are too large. The obstacles are too formidable.
The ultimate goal of most relationships in China is marriage. Young Chinese adults are often under a lot of pressure from the elders in their family to find a good husband or wife and get married relatively early.
This pressure is particularly acute for women, who can be called “left-over women” if they pass the age of 26 or 27 without finding a husband. Men can find themselves similarly left-over if they wait too long to get married.
This is a big part of why dating is often taken so seriously. Chinese young people often feel like they don’t have the time to “play the field” that their Western counterparts are afforded by society.
-ThoughtCo
When that happens, you just cannot give up. You can never give up. You must keep on going and never give up.
I know that it will seem impossible. It will seem difficult, and you will look at what you have; your resources, and see that are are sorely lacking. You will see the world trying, and doing so successfully, to take away what you (in your heart) yearns for.
It doesn’t matter.
You must never give up.
Never. Give. Up.
I am dead-on serious about this. If what you love is so darn important to you then you must fight for it. You must work and strive for a strong life with the one; yes, (here we go again) that ONE person in your life that is THE ONE.
Never. Never ever give up.
You must fight for the things that are important to you.
Seriously. You MUST fight for the things worth having.
You must fight for the important things. And no, often you will not be ready. You won’t have enough money. You won’t have the right job. You won’t have the family blessings. You won’t have what it takes. But…
But… you MUST fight for the things that are important to you.
One of the great things about love is the strength of it when it is shared. Yes things can be impossible, and the obstacles can be far too great. However, when both of you are working TOGETHER, there is nothing that can come between your love.
As long as both of you…
Both of you share the same kind of love…
There is nothing that should come between your love for each other. That is why love is so important in a family. It is the glue that outlasts money, that outlasts, beauty and that outlasts family commitments.
But, love will melt away unless you desire it with all of your heart. You will need to make some difficult choices in your life, and there will be others who will not understand. You will need to make them, and it might not be all that easy.
Things can become uncomfortable. But you know…
The things that are important must be fought for.
In China, and in most of Asia, you might need to disobey your parents. In my case, we ended up getting married in Hong Kong because her parents did not approve of her marriage to an American. I understand that in certain circles in Singapore, or Indonesia it is even stricter with religious and social strata considerations.
And don’t even get me started with India…
Always follow your heart.
Always follow your heart.
Your heart will tell you what to do. Your feelings and your emotions will guide you. Listen to them.
You need to listen to your feelings.
Remember, feelings and emotions, are the glue that hold families together. When you are younger, the emotions are very strong. There is a biological reason for this. Use it.
Listen to your feelings.
Follow them and let them lead you.
And just like the music video… and just like the fairy tales… there actually can be a “happily ever after”. Just remember that you need to fight for the things that matter to you, and if you find the ONE… that ONE person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, then both of you should fight together.
You can achieve your dreams when both of you two are fighting together for the same thing…
If there is one thing worth fighting for in this earth… it is love.
I really believe that if both of you share the same emotions, and both of you are willing to have a traditional, conservative family with a solid grounding in familial roles, there will be nothing that you cannot accomplish. [This is not a political issue. Many progressive democrats have conservative, traditional families. Like the Obama’s for instance.]
A traditional, conservative family is a time-tested 100% guarantee of family success with over 5000 years of documented proof. It is a family where the man works and gives 100% of his labors to this family. The wife handles the budget, the household and teaches the children.
While you might end up fighting against the wishes and desires of the parents to get married, do not neglect the importance of your new family. Establish it with a solid foundation.
Love.
Fairy tales DO come true. There is, actually is, a rainbow with a pot of gold under it.
Conclusion
My life was from my time and based on my situation. I could get all involved telling the story about this conditions, and that condition, as every situation is complex. There is nothing really simple about relationships. Once you start documenting your own, you will find that it gets complex really… really quickly.
Yet, fundamentally, my story is one of love and cultural complexities. In fact, I think that a foreigner marrying an Asian, whether they are from China or some other nation, will also encounter some situations of relative similarity to mine.
And yes, while I wrote this little post about myself, it’s really about YOU the reader.
I want to impress to you that you, I mean everyone, needs to have the fundamentals in their life “locked down”, put in place and secured. That means a life and relationship founded on love, and created with a solid emotional foundation, and structured in a proven traditional way.
It’s a winning combination.
It really is.
It is a little like this…
The Video that I refer to.
In this post I repeatedly referred to a music video (MV) that I believe reflects the story that I am trying to relate. Earlier in the post, I embedded the song sung by Kiniyo. I think that she really “nailed” the emotions and the feelings of the situation quite clearly. Indeed, if you want to get “goosebumps” on you arms, you should go to a concert where everyone is singing this song together.
Who says that this is an uncommon experience?
Like this version of the song sung by A-Lin. Watch the people in the audience. Yes, this situation is more common that we in the West would assume. Check it out…
Now, the song (and video) is by a famous Taiwanese Chinese singer named Jay Chou. His Chinese name is 周杰伦. The name of the song is 听见下雨的声音 .
If you have access to non-restricted Internet (the non You-Tube internet), you can find the video at any of these websites;
- Watch it on Youku
- Watch it on BaoMiHua
- Watch it on Le.com
If you are so inclined, you can see the lyrics (in Chinese) alongside the English translation HERE.
A non-Asian views the video
The thing is that this is Asian – Chinese culture. It is difficult for a non-Asian to understand it. They will make all kinds of inaccurate assumptions on what is going on.
Here we see an American chick watching the MV movie and is confused by what is going on.
Yes, she understands that the father doesn’t like the boy, and that they are rich, but she doesn’t understand that she MUST obey her father. And, she doesn’t understand that they are meeting at her house simply because that is the place where they can meet. (She orders take-out just so that she can meet him.)
Oh, and that “store” where she get the top is not a store. It’s her father’s factory, and she picked out a top for the boy to wear, and the father says no. So, it is not just any store.
No, girl, it’s not as easy as you think.
She doesn’t understand that the boy is working four jobs, it’s not an option for him. And that mark on his face is a birthmark, and yes there are many people in China that have these.
She doesn’t understand that this is a formal arranged marriage, and who cares if he is handsome, wealthy and your parents like him. If there is no love, there cannot be a family.
She doesn’t understand that when the girl gets out of the car and runs to the boy it is not a cliché, that there are a lot of things going on and risks that she is taking are serious ones. This is not America, girl. This is China.
She might hate the story line because it is so cliché, but this is China today, and these things and events do actually happen. Maybe not in America they don’t, but in China they most especially do happen.
And yes, happy endings do actually happen.
Oh, BTW, I'm not trying to get in her grill. She just doesn't understand Chinese - Asian culture, and thus missed some of the important elements of the story. Besides, later on she comments on another one of my favorite Jay Chou videos. And, it's closer to what is going on.
The Song the MV is based upon.
This is a live version by Jay Chou.
Afterwards
After the hardship will be a period of calm and happiness. I promise.
It happened to me, and it will happen to you.
About Traditional Families
I am a big believer that you must build up a life with the ONE who you love. As such, there is a time-tested method to make your love last a lifetime.
That method is known as the “traditional conservative” method.
The trouble is that it is just about extinct in the United States today. It is not taught anywhere, and there are all sorts of distortions of what it actually is. Well I talk about it and go into get lengths to explain it.
You can read about it here…
Links about China
China and America Comparisons
The Chinese Business KTV Experience
This is the real deal. Forget about all that nonsense that you find in the British tabloids and an occasional write up in the American liberal press. This is the reality. Read or not.
Learning About China
Contemporaneous Chinese Music
This is a series of posts that discuss contemporaneous popular music in China. It is a wide ranging and broad spectrum of travel, and at that, all that I am able to provide is the flimsiest of overviews. However, this series of posts should serve as a great starting place for investigation and enjoyment.
Parks in China
Articles & Links
You’ll not find any big banners or popups here talking about cookies and privacy notices. There are no ads on this site (aside from the hosting ads – a necessary evil). Functionally and fundamentally, I just don’t make money off of this blog. It is NOT monetized. Finally, I don’t track you because I just don’t care to.
- You can start reading the articles sequentially by going HERE.
- You can visit the Index Page HERE to explore by article subject.
- You can also ask the author some questions. You can go HERE to find out how to go about this.
- You can find out more about the author HERE.
- If you have concerns or complaints, you can go HERE.
- If you want to make a donation, you can go HERE.