We carry so much: unsent words, uncried tears, feathers we never laid. But they are not burdens. They are archives

I once worked as a nanny (Aupair) in a wealthy family in a small town in Austria.

personal documentation

My job was to look after a 10-year-old boy. The child’s parents were pharmacists. They owned their own pharmacy and a very large, modern, contemporary-style house with a garden and yard that was larger than a basketball court, measuring about 30m x 20m. They owned two Volkswagens and an Audi. They had a maid and a gardener who came three times a week. They also had a private apartment at the foot of the mountain, adjacent to their pharmacy. I lived in that apartment for two years.

This family is very nice. I mean, really, really nice. And despite being very wealthy, they never splurge on extravagant things or the latest gadgets . They wouldn’t buy a new phone unless their old one was completely broken. They never flaunted their wealth. They also didn’t use social media.

While working for them, I had many opportunities to travel to other countries. During summer vacations, for example, I was invited to Tunisia, Turkey, and Spain. They covered all my accommodation and airfare. Even when I went on trips with friends to Germany and Slovenia, they gave me a substantial allowance. They also funded my studies while in Austria. I took German courses up to level C1 at a school in the city. The apartment I lived in was also free; I didn’t have to pay for it. If rented, the monthly rent could range from €600-€800. On certain occasions, like when the wife and her husband were on vacation together out of town or abroad, I had to stay at their large, luxurious house to look after their child. I was provided with a spacious room with complete amenities in their house, but I rarely chose to stay overnight unless absolutely necessary . I preferred living in an apartment alone because it offered more privacy and freedom to do whatever I wanted, including cooking a meal with a strong aroma at night. Yes, I often felt hungry around midnight

Col 21-Book 438 – Sir Whiskerton and the Backrooms Incident: Badgers, Binders, and the File of Forgotten Feathers (A Tale of Silence, Snacks, and the Sacred Art of Filing Regret)

Ah, dear reader—prepare your monocle, steady your satchel, and take a breath. Not too loud. Not too fast.

Today’s story does not begin with a quack, a snort, or even a kazoo blast.
It begins with a hush.
A hush so deep, it hums.

So settle in. Speak softly. And step carefully into Sir Whiskerton and the Backrooms Incident.


The Wrong Button

It happened, as all great mishaps do, on a Tuesday afternoon—with sunlight slanting just so across the brass elevator doors.

Patch Pouncewell, ever the optimist, gestured to the control panel.

“Floor B—the Backrooms. Home of the ‘Bureau of Belated Thoughts.’ Highly recommended for overdue introspection.”

Ditto bounced.

“Backrooms!”
“Backrooms!” echoed Echo, already halfway inside.

Sir Whiskerton, perched on the sill, ear flicking:

“I’ve heard of this place. Badgers. Binders. And a strict ‘No Echoing’ policy.”
“Policy!” echoed Ditto, now adjusting an imaginary tie.

Patch pressed the button.

Ching!
The doors closed.

Ten seconds later—ching!—they opened again.

But the farm was gone.

In its place:
Endless corridors of grey linoleum.
Ceiling tiles stained with time.
And rows—endless rows—of filing cabinets, labeled in tidy, unblinking script:

Regrets (A–L)
Unsent Love Letters (Vol. VII)
Dreams: Deferred (Fragile)
Feathers of Unlaid Eggs

A sign hung overhead, etched in brass:

SILENT FILING ZONE — NO EXCEPTIONS.
Even whispers are cross-referenced.

From a distant desk, a badger in a pince-nez and waistcoat looked up—once—then returned to stamping a document:

“Form 7B: Existential Panic — Approved.”

Madame Clawdia.
Sir Bindleton.
The Archivists of the Almost.


The Incident (Or: How One “Shhh” Broke the Universe)

Ditto, ever curious, tiptoed toward Feathers of Unlaid Eggs.
The drawer was slightly ajar—just enough to reveal a single, pearlescent plume.

He reached.

“Shhh—”

But Echo, ever faithful, echoed—too loudly:

“SHHH—SHHH—SHHH—!”

The sound rippled.

Cabinets shuddered.
Drawers flew open.
A storm of loose paper—dreams half-dreamt, apologies unspoken, to-do lists abandoned—swirled into the air like startled starlings.

Then—the drawer burst.

Not with a bang.
With a sizzle.

Out poured not feathers—but phantom omelettes: translucent, golden, slightly wobbly, each steaming with the scent of what might have been.

One landed on Ditto’s head.

“Hot!”
“Hot!” echoed Echo—now clutching a file labeled “Echoes (Pending).”

Madame Clawdia stood. Slowly. Deliberately. Her stamp hovered over a fresh sheet:

“Incident Report #1,432: Unauthorized Vocalization.”
“Recommended Action: Mandatory Silence Seminar + Biscuit Audit.”

Sir Whiskerton arrived just as the first omelette slid down Doris’s (off-panel) voice:

“IS THIS A FIRE!? OH, I CAN’T BEAR IT—!”
“Bear it! Bear it!” came the muffled echo—from inside a drawer marked “Fainting Fits (Sorted by Season).”


The Negotiation (Or: How Tea Saved the Multiverse)

Patch, ever diplomatic, cleared his throat—softly—and pulled his satchel onto the nearest desk.

“Archivists—may I offer… tea?”
From his pack: a thermos, two chipped porcelain cups, and a plate of Annotated Biscuits™.

Sir Whiskerton watched. Then—slowly—stepped forward.

“Madame Clawdia. Sir Bindleton. My associate meant no harm. He simply… echoes.”
He placed one biscuit on the desk. On its underside, in delicate script:
“Margin note: Do not cite in peer review.”

Clawdia adjusted her pince-nez. Read it. Nodded—once.

“Hmph. Acceptable footnote.”

Whiskerton poured. The steam rose in quiet spirals.

“I understand this is a Silent Zone. But may I propose a compromise? Let us help you file what’s been disturbed. Not by silence—but by intention.”

A pause.

Then—Sir Bindleton closed his stamp.

*“Proposal: Conditional Amnesty. Terms:

  1. No further echoing.
  2. All omelettes returned to drawer.
  3. Doris’s apologies filed under ‘Sun, Shadow, Worm: A Trilogy of Regret.’”*

Whiskerton inclined his head.

“Agreed.”


The Filing

What followed was not chaos—but collaboration.

  • Patch cross-referenced “Unfinished Yodels” with “Subterranean Opera Rehearsals.”
  • Ditto, mute but eager, used paw-prints to alphabetize “Unsent Texts to the Moon.”
  • Echo, rescued from “Echoes (Pending),” was reclassified as “Echoes (Active, With Footnotes).”
  • Even Rufus, having wandered in via a misplaced air vent, filed “Snack-Based Epiphanies” under “Snacks > Philosophy.”

And Doris’s letters?
They were bound in lavender ribbon, stamped:

“Filed with Love.”

As the last omelette dissolved back into potential, the hallway softened—just slightly. The grey brightened to dove. A single ceiling tile bloomed with a hand-painted sunflower.

Madame Clawdia offered a rare gesture: a slow, solemn blink.

“Well filed.”


The Moral of the Story

That evening, back beneath the farm’s starlit sky, Sir Whiskerton gathered the animals—not on the roof, but around the old oak.

“The moral of the story, dear reader, is this:
Even our smallest thoughts deserve a place to rest—and sometimes, peace begins with proper indexing.
We carry so much: unsent words, uncried tears, feathers we never laid. But they are not burdens. They are archives. And like any good archive, they need care, order, and—sometimes—a biscuit with a footnote.
The world is kinder when we make space for the almost, the nearly, the someday.

Doris dabbed her eyes.

“Oh! A bibliographic metaphor! I can’t bear it!”
“Bear it! Bear it!”

And Echo?
She sat beside Ditto—no longer pending.
Active.
Annotated.
At home.


Post-Credit Scene

Later, Patch added a new entry to his Field Journal:

Obs.: The Backrooms are not a prison of regret—but a library of hope, waiting for the right cataloguer.
Hypothesis: All omelettes are potential. All silence, a prelude to song.
Recommendation: Bring extra biscuits. And whisper.

On the final line, in Ditto’s careful script:

“Shhh.”
(Footnote: “Just kidding. ✨”)


Jingle on. 🐾📚✨
(Or, in archival code: File under “Joy — Cross-Referenced, Well-Stamped, and Fully Echoed.”)

The End.

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The Drift

Written in response to: Write a story with the goal of scaring your reader.

Jaxon Murdock

Horror Science Fiction Suspense

 

A shrill, sharp alarm sliced through the void. My throat burned as oxygen, dry and a little bit stale, poured down it. I tried futilely to stifle a cough, but my body spasmed with a flurry of coughs that followed the first.I opened my eyes though my vision was blurry, like my eyes were submerged in water. I saw the shape of a face in front of me. It nodded, and the nodding was accompanied by a voice. A female voice. I felt like I should know it, but I couldn’t quite place it.“Travis?” She asked.The woman’s face was coming into focus but still not ringing any bells. I knew I should recognize her. She obviously recognized me. Damn. Hypersleep can really fuck someone up.“Uhh. Yeah. I guess so.” I mumbled, the pain in my throat suggested I hadn’t spoken in a while. “I’m just a bit… fuzzy still… umm?”“Juliet.” She said as her mouth spread into a warm smile.

I let the name bounce around in my mind for a moment, trying to place her. Still, my memory was affected by the long sleep. “Juliet.” I said, the pain in my throat had begun to ease up a little.

She nodded again, her pleasant expression brightened. “I know the long sleep can take a toll. How about I help you to the galley and get you something to eat?”

My stomach growled with the mention of food. I could tell it had been empty for quite some time.

“Sure, Juliet.” I tried to force a smile onto my face, but it felt a bit stiff. “I feel like I could eat a horse.” I chuckled at the thought of getting a horse on our spacecraft just so I could eat it.

Juliet’s expression was one of puzzlement, but then she gave me a small grin as she recognized I had made a joke. She reached down and took my hand, helping me from the pod and guiding me to the small room we considered our galley.

The galley was cramped with cabinets covering the walls and a small table with a single chair nearby. It was the largest and most comfortable chair in the craft — wide enough that two people could share it — as the area doubled as the lounge as well. Since the crew would only be awake in shifts, the facilities could be reduced to conserve space and weight.

As Juliet was reaching towards a particular cabinet, more of my memory returned. That was the cabinet where we primarily stored food. I stopped her, wanting to show that I knew what to do next, instead opening the cabinet and making my own selection. After a moment, I considered that she may not have eaten yet, and I picked up another of the food packets and motioned to her to see if she would like some herself.

She shook her head, “No, thanks. I ate earlier. Though I will sit with you if you’d like.”

I put the second packet back and turned to the chair. She had taken a seat on one side, and she patted the open area with her hand to suggest I should join her.

I tore open the food packet and squeezed the paste into my mouth. It tasted like nothing, really. Just nutrients and texture. The way all the long-haul rations did. But it filled the hollow ache in my stomach.

Juliet watched me eat, her expression patient and warm. Our legs pressed together on the wide chair, thigh against thigh in the cramped space.

I squeezed out more paste, focused on eating. But something nagged at me. An absence I couldn’t quite name.

No warmth.

Where our legs touched there was nothing. No body heat radiating through the fabric. Just… contact. Pressure without temperature.

I shifted slightly, pressing closer, testing. Still nothing.

Strange. I could feel the cold of the ship everywhere else. Metal deck under my feet, recycled air on my skin, and the coldness of the table under my hands. But from her? Nothing at all.

Probably just my nerves still recovering from hypersleep. Coldness first before the sensation of warmth. Circulation coming back slowly, sensation muted.

I swallowed the last of the packet.

“You’ll want to check the logs,” Juliet said, and her voice pulled me back from the thought. “Standard procedure post hypersleep cycle. Make sure everything’s running smoothly during transition.”

Right. The logs. I nodded. “Yeah. Good idea. What’s our status?”

She smiled. “I think you should check first. I don’t want to influence your judgment or the surprise of you remembering how to do your job.”

It was meant as teasing, I thought. But something in her tone felt off. Too bright. Too encouraging. Like someone prompting a child.

She stood, and I followed suit. As I walked away toward the bridge, I realized I couldn’t remember feeling the chair shift when she’d risen.

Couldn’t remember hearing her footsteps when she’d led me from the hypersleep chamber to the galley. Even at that moment, our footsteps were so in sync that I couldn’t differentiate the sounds of hers from my own.

I pushed the thought away. Just the fog from long sleep. Everything felt strange after hypersleep.

Everything.

•••

The main console was just down the short corridor from the galley in what I considered the bridge, but it was little more than a similarly small room with a console housing multiple screens, navigational and monitoring equipment, and a single seat.

I settled into the seat — stiff from lack of recent use — and pulled up the duty logs.

Standard entries filled the screen. System diagnostics. Course corrections. Routine maintenance schedules. I scrolled through them, looking for anything unusual.

“Cycle 3, Shift 47: All systems nominal. Hypersleep cycle 3 complete. Proceeding with scheduled duties.”

“Cycle 12, Shift 36: Minor fluctuations in stellar drift compensators. Corrected. Resuming sleep cycle.”

“Cycle 20, Shift 44: Routine check. All green.”

Normal. Everything looked normal.

I kept scrolling. More entries. All routine. All…

I paused. Scrolled back up. Checked the attribution field on each log.

Travis Holloway. Travis Holloway. Travis Holloway.

Every entry. Just mine.

I glanced back toward the galley. Juliet stood in the doorway, watching. She smiled encouragingly, gave a small nod.

Right. Crew took turns on duty shifts. Maybe I was just looking at my rotation logs. I’d need to access the master log to see everyone’s entries.

I pulled up the crew manifest to check the access codes.

My name appeared.

Only my name.

Crew complement: 1

I tried to swallow, but my mouth was dry. That couldn’t be right. I looked back at Juliet. She was still standing there. Still smiling.

I turned back to the screen, scrolled further down the logs. The entries continued, all attributed to me, but the tone started to shift:

“Cycle 23, Shift 1: Woke to find minor course deviation. Approximately 0.3 degrees off trajectory. Cause unknown. Initiating correction protocols.”

I frowned. Course deviation? I pulled up the navigation charts in a secondary window. The planned route appeared as a clean white line through the star field. A blinking blue dot sat squarely on that line.

Current position indicator, right where we should be.

I checked the header: EXPECTED COURSE AND LOCATION

Expected. Right. This was the planned path. We were supposed to be here.

I exhaled, and let my shoulders relax a little. Everything was fine. Just a minor hiccup that had been corrected.

I minimized the nav chart and went back to the logs.

“Cycle 25, Shift 15: Course deviation worsening. 2.7 degrees off trajectory. Correction attempts unsuccessful. Running full diagnostics on navigation systems.”

“Cycle 27, Shift 31: Diagnostics completed again. Navigation systems still functioning normally. Cannot determine cause of drift. Current deviation: 8.3 degrees.”

Eight degrees? I pulled the nav chart back up. The blue dot still blinked peacefully on the white line.

But that was the expected position. Not actual?

“Cycle 33, Shift 11: Deviation critical. 23 degrees off course. Fuel reserves insufficient for correction burn. According to prior entries, none of the previous course correction attempts were successful anyway. Attempting to calculate new trajectory to nearest waypoint. AI assistance requested.”

“Cycle 42, Shift 17: AI core experiencing errors. Response time severely degraded. Star chart inconsistent with visual confirmation. Position uncertain.”

My hands were trembling now, cold sweat coating my palms. I kept reading.

“Cycle 65, Shift 23: AI CASCADE FAILURE. Core systems unresponsive. Attempting manual reboot. Star charts showing impossible distances. Navigation data corrupted. Cannot determine position. Cannot determine position. Cannot—”

The entry cut off mid-sentence.

I pulled up the AI status with shaking fingers.

CORE STATUS: CASCADE FAILURE DECISION MATRIX: OFFLINE NAVIGATION SYSTEMS: MINIMAL FUNCTION REBOOT ATTEMPTS: 47 LAST SUCCESSFUL BOOT: ERROR —DATA CORRUPTED—

I initiated a manual reboot sequence. The screen flickered. Lines of code scrolled past: diagnostic checks, system queries, handshake protocols. Then:

CORE LOBOTOMY DETECTED. HIGHER FUNCTIONS OFFLINE. BASIC AUTOMATION ONLY. CASCADE FAILURE DECISION MATRIX.

I tried to access the AI directly. A command line appeared, blinking cursor waiting.

I typed: STATUS REPORT

The response came slowly, character by character, like something struggling to remember how to form words:

bASIC SySteMs… FuNcTioNaL… lIfE SuPp0RT… HyPeRsLeEp… aUtOmAtIoN…

I typed: NAVIGATION SYSTEMS

…dOn’T kNoW wHeRe… cAn’T sEe… StArS wRoNg…

The text dissolved into gibberish, random characters spilling down the screen before the connection terminated.

I sat back, trying to breathe but I had trouble taking even short breaths. I felt like my lungs might burst. The AI was gone. Had been gone for — I checked the timestamps — hundreds of cycles, at least.

“Travis?” Juliet’s voice, closer now. “You’ve been at the terminal a long time. You should rest.”

“How many cycles?” I asked without turning. “How many times have I woken up?”

“You know hypersleep makes it hard to keep track. Don’t worry about it.”

I pulled up the cycle counter.

473 — CASCADE FAILURE

Four hundred and seventy-three wake cycles.

I scrolled further down the logs. The entries became less coherent.

“Cycle 156: Juliet says the course is fine. Juliet says rest.”

“Cycle 189: Why can’t I find the crew manifest? Juliet says not to worry.”

“Cycle 234: Juliet Juliet Juliet where are you where are you where”

“Cycle 267: Asked Juliet about the logs. She smiled. Why did she smile like that?”

Then pages of fragmented nonsense. Half-sentences, repeating words, strings of characters that might have been attempts at words but had degraded into something else.

All attributed to my ID.

Then one entry, dated Cycle 391, crystal clear:

“Oh God. Where in hell are we? I checked the actual position data. The AI is dead. The stars don’t look like stars anymore. I don’t think they ARE stars. What am I looking at? What have I been looking at? Juliet says to sleep, rest. But Juliet isn’t. Juliet can’t. There’s only the one pod. There’s only ever been one pod. My pod. Oh God oh God oh—”

After that: nothing but repetition.

“The stars are wrong the stars are wrong the stars are wrong—”

Pages of it. Hundreds of entries. All the same.

“The stars are wrong.”

I frantically pulled up the navigation charts again. Not the expected course this time. The actual position data.

POSITION: UNABLE TO CALCULATE STELLAR REFERENCE POINTS: 0 MATCHES DATABASE COMPARISON: NO KNOWN MATCHES ESTIMATED DRIFT TIME: ERROR — EXCEEDS CALCULATION PARAMETERS

I accessed the external visual sensors, brought up a live feed of the space outside.

The viewport filled with… light. Points of light.

But they didn’t look like stars.

They pulsed. Shifted. The patterns wrong somehow, the colors not quite right. They moved in ways that made my eyes hurt to track. Too slow. Or too fast. Or—

Both. Simultaneously.

The distances the computer tried to calculate appeared at the edge of the screen: numbers that couldn’t be right. Measurements in light-years that suggested I’d been drifting for—

The number kept climbing. Thousands of years. Millions. More.

The calculation stopped at eight digits and displayed: ERROR — EXCEEDS POSSIBLE RANGE.

“No,” I whispered. “No, no, no, no, no.”

I pulled up a different sensor angle. Another view. Same impossible stars. Same wrong patterns.

I cycled through every external camera. The same everywhere. Space that wasn’t space. Stars that weren’t stars. Distances that couldn’t exist.

“Travis.” Juliet’s hand on my shoulder. I could feel the pressure but not the warmth. “You should sleep now. You’ll feel better after you sleep.”

“Where are we?” My voice cracked. “Where the fuck ARE we?”

“Does it matter?” Her voice was gentle. Kind. “You just forget. You always do. It’s better that way. Now, you should sleep.”

The monitor flickered. Once. Twice.

The screen went black. The ceiling lights went out, then the emergency strobes. The only light left was the low, steady emerald glow of the single hypersleep pod at the end of the corridor.

I couldn’t fight the darkness. The cold crept back in.

•••

A shrill, sharp alarm sliced through the void. A dry, burning ache flared in my throat.

My body wracked with a flurry of coughs.

My vision was blurry. I saw the shape of a face in front of me. It nodded. And the nodding was accompanied by a voice. A female voice.

“Travis?” she asked.

The woman’s face was coming into focus. I felt like I should recognize her.

“Travis?” she asked again, and somewhere deep in my mind, something screamed.

But I couldn’t remember why.

Johnny Winter – Rock and Roll, Hoochie Koo (Live)

Paneer Cheese

This cheese is used as a topping for curries, vegetables, or baked potatoes, or as a spread for flat bread.

64c809f4ff8fbe13196e060a38184277
64c809f4ff8fbe13196e060a38184277

Yield: about 1 pound

Ingredients

  • 12 cup whole milk
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon cumin seed, crushed
  • 1/3 cup lemon juice

Instructions

  1. In a 5 quart Dutch oven bring milk, salt and cumin seed just to boiling; reduce heat. Simmer, uncovered, for 5 minutes.
  2. Remove from heat.
  3. Stir in lemon juice. Let stand for 15 minutes.
  4. Line a large strainer or colander with several layers of pure cotton cheesecloth. Strain mixture; discard liquid. Gently squeeze the cheesecloth to remove as much liquid from the curds as possible. Wrap cloth around curds.
  5. Place wrapped curds In a large strainer or colander and put a weighted bowl on top to help press out any additional liquid. Let stand, covered, in the refrigerator for at least 15 hours.
  6. Remove curds. Discard liquid. Form curds into a flat rectangle or press into a large bowl to shape.
  7. Refrigerate, covered with plastic wrap, until well chilled.
  8. Store in the refrigerator, tightly wrapped, for up to 3 weeks.

I was an extremely skinny kid in school and weighed 117 pounds when I enlisted in the Army. Here i am a year and a half later after a tour in Germany where I put on 15 pounds. I was so skinny that if I stuck out my tongue and turned sideways I would look like a zipper.

In the sixth grade I was bullied constantly by a older and bigger boy named Charlie Long. It was relentless. He used verbal insults, pushed, tried tripping etc.

One day I was telling my sister how I hated Charlie for his bullying when my father overheard. He came up to me and told me that Charlie picked on me because he perceived he had a position of strength I didnt and that I allowed him to build his ego at my expense. He said bullying is a sign of insecurity.

He said ‘there is only two ways to look at a bully…up or down. You are on the ground looking up at them or they are on the ground looking up at you. Your decision.’

Two days later I asked to go to the restroom during recess outside. On my way back I saw Charlie sitting on the stairs that went outside the back of the school. His back was to me. I suddenly had a brilliant idea and ran back and grabbed my metal lunchbox from my little cubicle. I headed back to the back of the school. Charlie was still there. I crept up behind him and then swung that lunchbox as wide as I could and clipped him in the head. He rolled over onto the ground crying and holding his head which was bleeding from the blow. I stood over him and told him to listen to what I had to say. I then said ‘you aren’t allowed to bully me anymore. If you do I will catch you again and the next time will hurt harder. If you squeal on me I will still find you and we do this again. Do you understand?’

He looked up at me in a shocked manner and shook his head. I reached down and helped him up.

I was expecting to be called to the principals office that day but it didnt happen. Charlie would never look me in the eyes afterwards but I was okay with that. My father was right…you are looking up or looking down but defend yourself.

EDIT: I was shocked to see how many responses were against standing up to the bully or saying I was to harsh with my reaction.

  • A multi-national study across 83 countries found that 30.5% of adolescents reported being bullied. One out of three.

I believe bullying is symptomatic of many issues. I did an AI search and it yielded the motivation of the bully:

  • Seeking Power and Control: A desire to dominate others, feel superior, or gain a higher social status or popularity among peers.
  • Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem: Paradoxically, some bullies may struggle with their own feelings of inadequacy and use aggression to mask it or feel better about themselves.
  • Lack of Empathy: Difficulty recognizing or caring about the feelings and suffering of others.
  • Modeling Behavior: Having observed or experienced aggression, violence, or controlling behavior at home or in other environments.
  • Anger and Frustration: Using bullying as an outlet for personal stress, trauma, or emotional difficulties.

But I think being bullied is symptomatic of many to fail to defend themselves. It is Fight or Flight and we may not always possess the courage to put up resistance to bullying and therefore suffer through it. Im not a psychologist but I think many of us can justify the lack of resistance in some manner. I believe conquering fear is hard. I served in combat and saw several fire fights. I witnessed people (including myself) conquering fear. But under threat of life or death is one thing and experiencing inconvenience or embarrassment is another.

Looking back, I have no regret tapping my adversary up side his head. I had assumed he had a size advantage that I needed to reduce by a surprise response. It worked out well for me so no regret. My intention was not to murder him but to cause him enough pain to respect my ability to stand up for my honor.